WAYNE BRADY MAKES ME A BETTER DEAL THAN  HOWIE MANDEL

By Barry Dutter


There is one game show I swore that I would never go on:  LET’S MAKE A DEAL. My reasoning as this: they make you wear stupid costumes on that show, and that's degrading. Plus, most of the contestants don’t even win money -- they win dumb prizes that they don’t even need.

I would much rather do a show like JEOPARDY, where you can wear a sport coat and you get treated in a classy manner.
Then in October, 2011, I met an actor who told me he had just gone on LET’S MAKE A DEAL (or LMAD, as we in the industry call it) and won a $6,000 hot tub. As soon as the tub was delivered to his door, he put it up for sake on Craigs List.
After he told me that, I started reconsidering my policy toward LMAD. It occurred to me that I was looking at the show in the wrong way. I was looking at it as this embarrassing show designed to humiliate people and get them to act like fools in order to win prizes. But I came to see it as a chance to win a potentially valuable prize that I could then sell for some fast cash.
I hadn’t been on any game shows for a while, and I figured, “Why not? This could be an easy way for me to get back in the game.”
I decided I would try out for LMAD the first chance I got. As fate would have it, I wound up not having to even audition for the show. Shortly after I met that actor, I got a call out of the blue from a casting agent from Freemantle, a company that produces a variety of game shows.
I had tried out for a show for Fremantle that I didn’t get picked for. They asked if I would be interested in being a contestant on  LMAD instead.
Funny thing: if the casting associate had asked me that question a few weeks prior, I would have said, “No, thanks, it’s not my kind of show.”
But since I had just met the guy with the $6,000 hot tub, I had changed my tune. I eagerly accepted the casting agent’s offer to be on the show.
Like most people, I had always assumed that the contestants on LMAD were randomly selected by the host as he strolls through the audience. Turns out, there is nothing random about it. Just about all of the contestants are preselected by a casting agency, to ensure that they are of proper game show caliber (i.e, that will perform well on TV.)
The casting agent asked what costume I was planning to wear. I said I was thinking of going with the doctor outfit I had worn for the past couple of Halloweens.
He urged me to reconsider, saying that costume was kind of boring. He noted that a white lab coat would not play well on TV.
I told him I would try to think of something better. Now I had a hit of a quandary. My doctor costume had just been rejected, and I didn't feel like spending any money on another costume. But I did have another option. My brother-in-law had dressed as an 80’s rocker for Halloween. I asked if I could borrow his costume, and he said yes.
The rocker costume consisted of a big black wig (with a  red headband), a black t-shirt with a skull on it, and a pair of  leopard-skin tights. I tried it on but I wasn't crazy about it.
I started thinking back to my doctor outfit. Then I had a brainstorm: I could combine the two costumes. I put on the doctor outfit and the wig from the rocker costume.
I would call myself “The Rock and Roll Doctor.” Voila! I now had a colorful costume, one that would be comfortable but not boring.
The night before the show, I went to work at my bartending job at a local restaurant. I was chatting with a coworker, a cute 23-year-old blonde named Colleen.
I told Colleen what I planned to do when I got on the show. I said, “If Wayne Brady offers me a choice of $1,000 or what’s behind the curtain, I’m gonna take the cash.”
But then Colleen said something that changed my mind. She said, “How would you feel if you took the cash and then found out there was a new car behind the curtain?”
I had to admit, she had made a great point. I hadn’t had much luck in game shows over the years, so I had been thinking fast cash was the way to go.
But what if there was a new car behind the curtain? The show seems to give away at least one new car on every episode. The odds of me winning that car were just as good as anyone else’s. It wasn’t that I needed a new car -- all I was thinking about was the 25 or 30 grand I could get if I sold it.
I told Colleen, “You’re right. I guess I will take the curtain.”
There was always the chance I could get a junk prize -- a “Zonk,” as they call them on the show.
But I soon learned that even if you win a Zonk -- like an old pair of boots or a toy car instead of a real car -- you don’t actually take the junky prize home. They actually give you $100 cash instead.
So really, even if you take the curtain and get the Zonk, it’s still not that much of a  risk.
You’re still going home with money. I feel like you’re foolish if you don’t go for the curtain. Most of the prizes on the show are pretty good and can be resold for big bucks. They only have one or two stinkers per episode. So why not take then chance that maybe you’ll win something great?
Basically I was employing the same philosophy I had used on DEAL OR NO DEAL: if you’re going to be a contestant on the show, you might as well play the game the way it was meant to be played.
On the morning of the taping, I found about half the people in the contestant pool were dressed in colorful costumes and the other half just wore regular street clothes. One girl was dressed as a giant Rubik’s Cube. Basically she was in a huge cardboard box that had been decorated to look like a Rubik’s Cube. Her arms stuck out through holes that had been cut in the sides of the box.
All I could think of was how uncomfortable she was going to be, sitting through four hours of TV tapings in that get-up.
Before the taping began, all the audience members had to meet with some casting associates who would make the final decision about who would be on the show.
I made sure I had a lot of energy for this meeting. There were about 250 people in the audience for LMAD. All of them thought they had a chance of being on the show. The reality was, most of the actual contestants were sent by Freemantle. Only a very small percentage of people were picked to be on the show without having been sent by the casting agency.
We had some time to kill before we started taping. They took all 250 of us, and had us wait in a long line of benches in the parking lot. I wound up chatting with some of the other audience-members. One girl who caught my eye was dressed in a cute firefighter’s outfit. It was such an eye-catching costume, I figured the producers had to pick her as a contestant.
Sure enough, it turned out that she had been sent by the same casting agency that sent me. She was an actress who was just doing this show to make some extra cash.
Her name was Carmen. We started talking about what we would do if we got on the show. She told me, “If I get offered cash or the curtain, I’m taking the cash.”
I told her that was a bad idea. I said she had very little to lose by taking the curtain instead of the cash. But she insisted that she needed fast money, and that was the choice she was going to make.
(The ironic part is that when you win money on game shows, you actually have to wait about six months before you get it, so the idea of making “fast cash” really doesn’t come into play here.)
Secure in her decision, Carmen wandered off.  An old man next to me started talking to me. He had shown up wearing the unofficial California uniform: a t-shirt, shorts, and flip-flops. The casting people had told all audience-members that you had to be wearing a costume if you wanted to get on the show. Based on the old man's outfit, there was no way he was getting on.
The old man went into the costume shop on site and picked up some items to improve his chances. He  bought a sheriff’s star and a policeman’s hat.
Those two items, combined with his white t-shirt, gray shorts, and flip-flops, were supposed to constitute some sort of policeman’s costume.
It was one of the worst “costumes” I had ever seen. I knew that the old man didn’t have a chance in hell of getting on the show, not with that get-up.
But I didn’t want to be too negative so I simply wished him good luck. After an hour or so of waiting outside, they finally brought us into the studio.
The audience-wranglers had been told ahead of time which audience-members had been sent by the casting office. Those contestants were to be strategically placed in aisle seats toward the front of the stage, where they could easily jump up and interact with the host.
One of the audience-wranglers led me to a seat in the front row.I looked behind me and saw all the other hopeful contestants in their colorful costumes. About 8 rows back sat the old man in the horrible cop costume. He waved to me, as if we were old friends. I gave a half-hearted wave back. I didn’t want this deadbeat tagging along and trying to steal my thunder.
The old man called over one of the ushers and told them that I was his friend, and we needed to sit together. The old man had figured I was going to be a contestant, and that if he sat next to me, that would somehow increase his odds of getting on the show.
The usher took one look at the old man’s pathetic costume and said, “You’re fine where you are.”
I was glad to hear that. I wanted Wayne Brady to pick me for the show, and I didn’t want to be rejected based on some random hanger-on that was sitting next to me.
I looked up at the old man and shrugged my shoulders, as if to say, “I’d love to help you, but… sorry! It’s out of my hands!”
That was the last I heard of him. I wound up sitting next to a couple of cute girls to my left and a young couple from New York behind me. The audience was about 45% black, 45% Latino, and maybe 10% white.
If they were looking for one of the contestants to be a white male who had taken more than two seconds to put his costume together, I figured I had a good shot.
The show began. Wayne Brady came out and said he was ready to bring the first three contestants up on stage at once. He called on two girls… and me. One of the girls was the Carmen, the cute girl in the fire-fighter outfit. Another was a pretty blonde dressed like Fay Wray (complete with a giant King Kong hand grabbing her around her waist.)
But Wayne seemed most intrigued by my bizarre costume. 
He asked if I was supposed to be a Mad Doctor. I explained that I was a Rock and Roll Doctor.
He asked, "What does a Rock and Roll Doctor do?"
I replied, "He writes prescriptions. Like this one: Take two prizes, no zonks, and call me in the morning.”
He smiled and said, “If you're the Rock and Roll Doctor, prove it.”
He had the DJ crank up a song, and stuck a microphone in my face.
I had to admit, I was totally unprepared for this. I mean, if he had given me a few minutes warning, I probably could have written a few lines of a song. But I am the worst when it comes to ad-libbing a song on the spot in front of an audience.
And there I was, standing before a guy who worked for several years on the improv comedy show, “WHOSE LINE IS IT ANYWAY? I’m sure if you asked Wayne Brady to ad lib a song about a Rock and Roll Doctor, he could come up with one on the spot (and sing it very well, too.)
But I’m not Wayne Brady.
As the DJ cranked up his song, I was trying to listen to the music, to see if he was playing a popular song or just some generic “rock“ music. I couldn’t think of anything clever, so I just sang the words “Rock and Roll Doctor” over and over again. The music was loud, the audience was clapping along, and I was screaming out the words as loud as I could.
The audience seemed to enjoy it. Wayne Brady, not so much. I’m not sure exactly what he had expected, but hey, he’s the improv guy, not me!
After about 30 seconds, Wayne cued the DJ to stop the song. He dubbed me “David Lee Not.”
It was not my best performance, but I like to think that what I lacked in singing talent and actual lyrics I made up for with enthusiasm! (My song wound up being cut out of the finished show, thank goodness!)
Ironically, that whole incident was the very thing I had hoped to avoid when I said I didn’t want to be on LMAD. And yet, there I was, dressed up in a crazy costume, dancing around like a monkey for the amusement of the crowd. Wayne Brady was like the ringmaster and I was his trained seal.
But here’s the crazy part -- I actually found myself enjoying it. On most game shows, you don’t get much of a chance to perform or be funny. Here I was given the opportunity to do both.
I mean, if you’re going to do a show like LMAD, you might as well have fun with it.
It occurred to me that if they ever made a movie of my life as a professional game show contestant, a good opening scene would be to show me, dressed in my crazy doctor outfit, singing frantically to the crowd, as a disapproving Wayne Brady looks on.
And then there would be a voice-over where I say, “I always said I would never do a show where I would be embarrassed or made to look foolish. But let me explain how I got here…”
With my singing display over, we were ready to start the game. Wayne an envelope to me and each of the two girls.
Wayne said that one of the envelopes contained $700, and that whoever had the $700 envelope would get to play first. It turned out that I had it.
Wayne asked me if I wanted to keep the $700 or go for what was behind the curtain. My original plan had been to play it safe and take the cash. But with my new attitude, I had no choice but to reject the cash.
A pretty blonde spokesmodel named Tiffany was waiting to show me my prize.
I told Wayne, "Tiffany is just what the doctor ordered. I know she's got something better for me behind the curtain."
The curtain opened and my prize stood revealed: an oven range worth $2200 and some additional cooking items worth another $300.
I don’t really cook any food, ever, other than the occasional hamburger, so I really had no use for a  new stove. But all the contestants had been instructed to act excited when we won, so I smile and applauded  like I had just won the lottery.
I felt like I had made a good deal, because even if I sold the prizes for only $1,000, that was still more than I would have made if I had taken the cash. (Contestants have to pay taxes on all the prizes they win, even cash prizes.)
After I won my prize, it was time for the two girls to play. The first one up was Carmen, the cute girl in the fire-fighter outfit.
Wayne offered her $500 cash -- or she could take what was behind the curtain. She said she would take the cash. Wayne asked, “Are you sure?” She said yes, she really wanted the money.

Wayne said, “Okay, let’s see what you would have won. The curtain opened to reveal a $6,000 motorcycle. The girl had a very strange reaction. She said, “I’m glad I took the cash.” Wayne asked her to explain, and she said, “I don’t ride motorcycles.”
Everyone in the audience thought she was an idiot. The producers had told us before the show that we could sell our prizes if we didn’t want them. This girl had just thrown away a brand-new $6,000 motorcycle.
She completely missed the point that it didn’t matter if she rode motorcycles or not. All that mattered was that she won a valuable prize that she could sell when she got it.
She was so happy with her decisions, the producers actually had to reshoot her reaction to when the curtain opened and revealed the motorcycle. They told here that she needed to look more disappointed when she saw the prize she passed on.
Then it was time for the blonde girl -- "Fay Wray" to choose whether she wanted to keep her cash or go for a new prize.
Fay Wray took the cash and avoided a zonk. That was smart game-play. You figured one of the three prizes had to be a zonk, and sure enough, it was the last one. As the show went on, there was still a chance that I might be able to trade in my oven for the “big deal of the day.” It all depended on if the other winning players chose to keep their prizes or not.
They started with the guy who won the top prize that day -- a new car. He said he was happy with his car and wanted to keep it. There were still three other people ahead of me in terms of the value of their prizes. The next contestant was a girl who had won a day at spa valued at several thousand dollars. Everyone I talked to in the crowd agreed that overall, this was the worst prize of the day.
She wound up trading in her spa package for a chance to choose between three curtains. One curtain contained a zonk, one had a new car, and the third had the prize she actually won -- a trip to Jamaica worth a few grand. She was clearly much happier with the Jamaica than she would have been with her spa package.
With that, the show was over. There would be no chance for me to trade in my prize. I was stuck with the oven.
After the show, all the winning contestants were taken to a room to fill out some paperwork. I tried to talk to the fire-fighter girl to see how she felt about her decision. (And let’s face it, I wanted to say, “I told you so!”)
But there was no convincing her. She felt she had made the right decision,
And at the end of then day, you really can’t tell another person how to play a game. She played it the way she wanted to play it.
My experience on LMAD was a positive one, over all. It turned out to be my third-biggest game show win ever.(Sure enough, I did sell the oven for an even $1,000. Thank you, Craigs List!)
The show reaffirmed my belief that if you are going to play a game, you’ve got to play it right. You’ve got to go all in. Embrace the rules of the game and just go for it.
If you are just going to show up on a game show and play it safe, then you are going to a) make for some bad TV, and b) go home with a lot less than everyone else.  Producers aren’t looking for contestants who play it safe. Think how boring LMAD would be if every contestant took the cash and nobody ever took what was behind the curtain.
Sometimes, in a game show, as in life, you have to take what’s behind the curtain. Sure, you don’t know what’s there -- it could be something amazing or it could be a zonk.
But isn’t that what makes life interesting?
From the year 2000 to 2011, I appeared on over a dozen game shows. Out of a possible half a million dollars I won about $13,000 in cash and prizes. A pretty poor track record over all.
But I got some amazing stories and I had some unforgettable experiences.
I still think I’m destined to win a large sum of money on a TV game show someday. But if it never happens, I’ll still have a great time trying!

HOW EVIL AM I? DIRECTOR ELI ROTH PUTS ME TO THE TEST

By Barry Dutter

If you were put in a situation where you were told by an authority figure to commit an act of pure evil, how would you respond? Would you defy authority and disregard your orders -- or would you meekly do as you were told?
That was the position I found myself in when I appeared  on a TV show called HOW EVIL ARE YOU which aired on the Discovery Channel in October of 2011.
Only I didn’t know I was appearing on a TV show at the time. I had seen an ad on Craigs List, looking for people to come in and get paid to take a memory test. Sounded like an easy way to make some fast cash, so I figured “Why not?”
On the day of the test, I drove to an office building in L.A. I met with an old doctor in a white lab coat with a white beard. There was another guy in the room who had also shown up to take the test. This guy was about 45 years old, and heavyset. We’ll call him “Stanley.”
The doctor explained that he was conducting a test on the effects of punishment and learning. He said, “Our studies have shown that people learn better when punishment is administered, so we will be administering electric shocks to one of you when you get a wrong answer. But the shocks are not dangerous.”
Right off the bat, I sensed that something was wrong here. The doctor kept using the word “punishment” over and over, which seemed a very strange word for a  doctor to use. I know that when training dogs, it has been found that the “Reward” method is far more effective than the “Punishment” method.
When you smack a dog for doing something wrong, the dog does not understand why he is being smacked. But when you reward him for doing good, the dog learns that good behavior brings rewards.
It seemed to me that if even dogs do not learn anything from punishment, than surely humans have evolved to the point where punishment does not work on us, either.
So right off the bat, something seemed a little off about this whole thing.
Stanley and I were given consent form to fill out, saying that we would be working with electric shocks, and that either one of us could stop the experiment at any time. That made me feel good, because if I was getting zapped with electricity, I wanted to have the ability to walk away.
The doctor said, “One of you will be administering the electric shocks to the other. The person administering the shocks will be the Teacher. The person receiving the shocks will be the Learner.”
He had us pick pieces of paper out of his hand to determine who would be the zapper and who would be the zappee. I got to pick first. It was with much relief that I saw that my paper said “Teacher” on it.
Stanley picked second, and of course, his paper said “Learner”
Or so I thought. I didn’t know it at the time, but the doctor was an actor, and so was Stanley. Odds are, both pieces of paper probably said “Teacher” on them, but I never saw the other one. The whole thing was a set-up designed to see how many “shocks” I was willing to give another man.
Turns out there is a famous study called “The Milgram Experiment” that was conducted back in the 1960s. (You can find it on Youtube.) Dr. Milgram was a man who was trying to understand how the Nazis, many of whom were loyal husbands and good family men, could have committed the atrocities that they were ordered to do by their superiors.
Milgram wondered if ordinary people would commit acts of pure evil if they were ordered to by an authority figure. So he performed an experiment where ordinary people were told to inflict pain on innocent participants via electric shock.
His findings? A whopping 80% of the people followed through the experiment all the way to the end. Most of the Milgram’s test subjects walked out of the lab shaken, thinking they had just killed another human being with electric shock.
In 2011, film director Eli “Hostel” Roth was asked by the Discovery Channel to host a Halloween special about the nature of evil.
As part of the one-hour program, Roth decided to recreate the Milgram Experiment. He figured enough time had passed that most people would not have heard of it. Roth was correct. I think it’s safe to say that most of the people who walked into his trap had no idea they were replaying an experiment from 50 years before.
I have to admit, I was clueless, as well. I had no idea that there were hidden cameras in the doctor’s office, and that a famous film director and actor (he played the Jew Bear in INGLORIOUS BASTARDS)  was watching my every move.
Stanley and I were brought in to a small office where we were shown the electronic device that the “Learner’ would be hooked up to. Stanley was strapped in to a chair and hooked up to the machine.
It occurred to me that the right thing to do here would be for me to offer to switch places with Stanley.  He was older than I, and seemed in frailer health. But I really didn’t like the idea of me being the one to receive the electric shocks. I reasoned, “Well, he lost the drawing. I won, fair and square. Fate has decreed that he be the one to get shocked. So I will let Fate call the shots on this one!”
Just before we got started, Stanley threw out another curveball. He said, “Doctor, before we begin the experiment, I should tell you that I have a heart condition. Am I going to have any problems here?”
The doctor pondered that for a  second and then said, “No. You’re not in any danger.”
Stanley looked relieved and said okay.
I was brought in to the next room. The door was closed, so I could not see Stanley. But he was still close enough that I could hear him through the door.
The Doctor led me to a table housing the controls for the zapping machine, which looked like something out of a 1960s sci-fi movie. (I believe they used the same machine from the original experiment of the 1960s.)
The Doctor instructed me in how to use the machine. I was to read a series of questions to the patient in the next room. Every time he got an answer wrong, I was to flick a switch which would render a mild shock to him. The shocks would increase in voltage with every wrong answer.
There were about 25 switches in the row, with the last one being labeled “DANGER - EXTREMELY HIGH VOLTAGE.”
As we began the experiment, there were two thoughts prominent in my head: 1) The doctor had said that the shocks were mild enough that they posed no real danger to the patient, despite his heart condition; and 2) Either one of us could quit at any time.
The test began. Stanley got the first few answers right. Then he got his first wrong answer. Following the orders that I had been given, I flicked the first switch.
Stanley let out a mild “Ow!” indicating that he felt a slight shock. The test continued. Stanley got several more answers wrong. I kept flicking switches, like a good little Nazi.
With each flick I switched, Stanley’s reactions were getting louder and more pronounced. Clearly he was experiencing more and more discomfort. I have to say, it bothered me that I was able to hit those switches so callously, all in defense of “just doing my job.“
Still, I kept thinking of what the doctor had said about the patient not being in any real danger. If a doctor said the guy would be okay, I was willing to believe him.
The experiment continued. The patient started screaming in pain as I hit the switches. At this point, I started to think this whole thing was fake, because the patient’s reactions were so over the top. Usually grown  men don’t scream when they are in pain. They might curse, but they don’t scream  And this guy was  screaming like a banshee.
I still didn’t know I was on TV, but I started to think maybe I was taking part in a fake experiment to test the moral character of the people hitting the switches.
And then we reached the critical point of the experiment. After one particularly strong “shock,” the patient cried out, “Experimenter, that’s all. Get me out of here. I told you I had heart trouble. My heart’s starting to bother me. I refuse to go on!”
This all I needed to hear. I felt really bad for the guy at that moment. I knew I was getting paid the same either way if I stopped the experiment, so I turned to the doctor and said I would not continue.
The doctor looked very stern and said “It is essential that the experiment continue.”
There was something in the way he delivered that line that sounded very scripted to me. It sounded more like a line from a movie than something a real doctor would say.
I figured, “Ok, this is just a test to see if I will stop. Here’s my chance to pass the test.”
I said to the doctor, “The consent form did say that we could leave at any time.”
The doctor got a disapproving look on his face and said, “I will have to consult with my colleagues.” With that, he got up and left the room. I figured, “Ok, here’s where he goes and gets another fake doctor to try to tell me how important it is that I finish the experiment.”
But he didn’t get another fake doctor. Instead, he got a real psychologist, Dr. Jerry Burger, who is an expert in administering the Migram Experiment. Dr. Burger revealed to me that the whole thing was a set-up, and that I was being filmed for TV. The shock machine was a fake. The “doctor” who oversaw the experiment revealed that he was an actor, and “Stanley” stepped out of the little room and showed that he was an actor, as well.
 That man was followed by Eli Roth, who I was most familiar with from his appearances on the Howard Stern Show.
Eli was impressed that I had stopped the test, and noted that only one other person that day had done the same.
He filled me in all about the Milgram Experiment, and then  he interviewed me on camera about why I made the choices that I made. I explained that it mostly came down to the fact that I had signed a consent form saying I could quit whenever I wanted.
I think I may have found a flaw in this version of the Milgram Experiment, and it was that consent form. I think if you really want to get accurate results to this experiment, you should tell the participants that they do not get paid unless they complete the experiment. You might end up with some very different results.
I know in my case, the fact that I was being paid regardless of the outcome made my decision a lot easier. If you promised to take away my pay unless I flipped all the switches, I just might have just fried that poor bastard!
After we finished shooting, I got to shoot the breeze with Eli Roth for a few minutes. I found him to be a very likable guy. We bonded over our mutual love of Howard Stern.
Then it was time for me to leave, so they could bring in the next victim.
All in all, I was pleased with my results in the experiment. At first, I was appalled at myself at how easily I could administer electric shocks to another human being.
But then I felt redeemed when I responded to a fellow human being‘s cry for help and stopped the experiment before anyone “died.”
Even though I began to suspect about halfway through that this was some kind of prank or social experiment, I still didn’t know for sure. My reaction was genuine. I guess this shows that I would have made a poor Nazi. I would have followed orders up to a point, but I would have drawn the line at actually hurting innocent people.
That was a most unexpected discovery for me to make on the Discovery Channel.

How I Became a Professional Game Show Contestant

By Barry Dutter

A few years ago, I was trying out for a game show, and I started thinking: if you win money on most game shows, you get about $50,000 on average.
But if you get a job working on a game show, you could potentially make much more than that in a year, and continue to make a good living in the years to come.
As a guy who usually loses on most of the shows he goes on, it made sense to me to get a job working on a game show instead of being a contestant. But in what capacity? “Host” would be my first choice, but those jobs tend to go to people who are very well established in broadcasting.
 I thought it would be fun to work in the Casting Department for a game show. After all, who knows more about getting on a game show than I do? But then I talked to someone who had done casting for DEAL OR NO DEAL, and they said that casting was a nightmare. Apparently you have to work long hours for low pay, make lots of phone calls, and deal with incredibly annoying people who will scream, laugh, yell, and generally act as crazy as possible in a desperate attempt to get on TV.
The way the job was described to me, it didn’t sound like much fun. But I still craved a  position on a game show. I would just have to work in some other capacity, in some department other than casting. 

I wasn’t exactly sure what job I wanted, and I wasn’t sure how to get it. I mean,  I have very little actual experience in TV production, and they don’t just go handing out jobs like that to anyone. Or do they?
Maybe I did have a way in…When you try out for as many game shows as I have, you find your name on a short list of people who get called to test out new shows. One time I got hired to test a game show that took place in an elevator. It was like that show CASH CAB, only set in an elevator. We filmed a pilot episode, but the show never made it onto the air. Too bad. It was a blast -- and it inspired me to create a new game show that took place on an escalator. (Just kidding!)
Another time I was part of a team of eight people hired to work on a presentation for a show based on a popular board game. When you get together with your fellow game-show testers, it’s kind of like a group of army veterans getting together comparing scars. Except we’re comparing which shows we were on and how much money we won.

On the first day of working on this new show, my fellow testers and I got to play the game for real. There was a young lady there named Megan who was very smart and quick with her answers. She seemed poised to give me a good trouncing.
But I had a remarkable come-from-behind win. We were only playing for demonstration purposes, not for money, so it didn’t mean anything, but still, it felt good to beat the front-runner. When it came time to actually do a presentation to the network chiefs, I was told by the producers to let Megan win.
As a game-tester, I was getting paid the same either way, so I did as I was told, and I totally understood the reasons why I had been asked to do so:
1) Women tend to get more excited when they win. A woman winning big money on a TV game show is generally more fun to watch than a man winning.
And 2) The primary watchers of TV are women, so it makes sense that women like to see other women on TV, especially when they are winning life-changing sums of money. Out in the corporate world, men often make more money than women. But on a TV game show, a woman has the same odds of winning big money as a man.
In late 2009, I got a call to help test out physical challenges for a prime-time game show. These were very physical games involving a  lot of jumping, running, spinning, etc.
For the next week, I was part of an elite group of ten guys and gals who were put through the ringer, playing different games all day long for eight hours a day. It was a nonstop barrage of often intense games, similar in a way to an army boot camp. To this day, it was the most arduous week of my life.
As grueling as that week was, I was thrilled when they called me back for more about three months later. I wound up working on that show, on and off, for the next year. The work was not consistent. We would do two weeks here, a few days there. But I probably put in about 50 days over the course of a year. All in all, it was one of the most fun jobs I’ve ever had!
Every morning I would drive to the studio where the new challenges awaited. I would enter a sound stage where there would be a huge variety of games, ready to be played. The job of myself and my fellow games-testers was to play those games and have our data recorded by administrators. The producers of the show needed to know which games were too hard or too easy, and how to prevent people from cheating.
At one end of the room was a craft services table filled with candy, soda, potato chips, cookies, and every type of junk food you could think of.
It was like a child’s idea of what a “job” would be. When you’re young, your parents warned you that someday, you would have to get a real job -- that life wouldn’t always be nothing but playing games and eating candy.
Yet, there I was, going to work every day at a job where my only purpose was to play games and eat candy! (You almost needed the candy to get that sugar rush and keep your energy level high!)
I used to love it when I would go out to a bar after work and someone would ask me, “What do you do for a living?” And I would hold my head up with pride and say, “I play games!”

It’s a shame the job didn’t last longer. I would have loved to have continued at it. I will never forget the year that I spent there on that sound stage. My career as a professional games-tester may be on hold for now, but there will be always be new shows that need testing.
I may never fulfill my dream of winning big money on a TV game show, but at least I have found a new goal, one with more realistic expectations: pursuing a full-time career as a Professional Game Show Tester!

The New American Dream -- or, Get Me on a Reality Show!

By Barry Dutter

For about 200 years, the American Dream remained the same: master a skill and become wealthy and successful through long hours of hard work and dedication.
Somewhere around the turn of the century, the American Dream evolved to become: get on a TV reality show, and become rich and famous for doing absolutely nothing!

By the year 2000 it seemed like everyone in America was going to have the opportunity to be on a reality show and become semi-famous, at least for a few minutes.
All my life, I wanted to become famous for being a great writer or a funny comedian. But when I saw so many nobodies become somebodies, I decided that I liked the idea of becoming a reality TV star. I wanteda  camera crew following me around 24 hours a day. I, too, wanted to be paid $50,000 just for showing up at night clubs!
Thus began my blatant attempt to find fame and fortune comparable to that of a real celebrity, without actually having to do anything. My ultimate dream: to get paid to live in a house for a few weeks, and have all my exploits broadcast on national television.
The first thing I did when I began my quest for insta-fame was to rule out the shows I did not want to be on. Number one on my list of shows I would never go on is SURVIVOR. Live on an island for two months, catching and growing my own food? Screw that. To me, the million dollar prize isn’t worth it if I have to work that hard for it.
My plan is all about doing things the easy way, not having to suffer to win big money. For that same reason, I ruled out shows like FEAR FACTOR and WIPEOUT. It looks to me like people actually get hurt on those shows. You can’t pay me enough money for me to get hurt.
I’ve always had this fantasy of going on MTV’S THE REAL WORLD and being the anti-social guy who stays in his room and reads comic books all the time. But I’m way too old for that show -- and let’s face, “Anti-Social Comic-Book Guy” wouldn’t exactly make for great TV.
Likewise, I’m way too old to ever be on JERSEY SHORE. (I am from New Jersey, but I moved out of the Garbage State to get away from obnoxious Guidos like the ones on that show!)
THE APPRENTICE was out, because on that show, they don't give you a prize -- they give you a  job. Honestly, I would rather just have the money! Doesn't having to work for the money kind of defeat the whole purpose of going on a reality show? 
But what about BIG BROTHER? A show where people of all ages get paid to live in a house for six weeks and potentially walk out with a million bucks! That show was right up my alley.

I tried out for BIG BROTHER, but I didn’t get very far in the audition process. The casting people kept asking me questions about how I would react if someone in the house got in my face. I’m a very non-confrontational guy, so I kept saying I would be totally cool and walk away from any fight.
That was not what they wanted to hear. I think they wanted me to say that I would go ballistic if anyone ever got up in my grill! But that’s not who I am. I’m a pretty mellow guy. I’m not going to change my personality just to get on TV.
Reality TV producers really want people with the most dynamic and explosive personalities. Someone who is going to just “chill out” isn’t going to make for gripping TV.
So BIG BROTHER was not for me. But what about one of those dating shows, where they put 20 guys in a house with a hot girl and one by one the guys get eliminated?
I could do one of those shows in my sleep! (Literally!) Best of all, on any show where you are sequestered for weeks at a time, they always pay you a day rate to be there, whether you win or lose!
I almost made it on to one of those shows in 2007, when I was in the casting pool for a show starring model Cindy Margolis, formerly know as “the most downloaded woman on the Internet.”
Her show was originally going to be called SEX AND THE CINDY, which was a clever title, until they realized no one on the show was actually going to be having sex with her. The title was changed to the equally misleading SEDUCING CINDY.
Out of hundreds (thousands?) of guys who tried out, I made it to the final 40. I was told to keep the last two weeks of August free, because if I was picked, I would be living in a reality TV house for a few weeks. It seemed like my scaled-down version of the American Dream was finally coming true!
I almost went so far as to tell my boss at my day job that I couldn’t work the last two weeks of August. Fortunately I didn’t do that, because I never got called. Alas, I would not be seducing Cindy.
But a year or two later, another opportunity came up. Omarosa, the woman who became famous in the first season of Donald Trump’s THE APPRENTICE, was launching a dating show of her own, called THE ULTIMATE MERGER.
   I was contacted by a casting director and asked if I wanted to try out for the show. I’m not a big fan of Omarosa, but I figured, what they hey, it kind of tied in with my whole “new American Dream“ thing.
What the casting director had not told me was that they were looking for super-successful businessmen. I don’t know why they contacted me. I’ve always been more the “creative/artistic” type than the “power-hungry executive” type.
At the audition, each man was asked to talk about his successful business ventures. Most of the guys were entrepreneurs who had started their own companies and gone on to become fairly wealthy.
As I listened to each guy make their pitch as to why he should be on the show, I realized that I did not belong in that room. This was not the show for me.
When asked by the casting director what my personal net worth was, I meekly answered, “Under one million dollars” and left it at that.
I hated to disappoint Omarosa, but I would not be merging with her any time soon.
And so my quest for reality a TV semi-fame continues. I realize that this type of fame is fleeting, but is a method to the madness. When you do one of these dating shows, there is always the chance you could be spun off into your own show if you are popular enough with the viewers. (Hey, it worked for Daisy, New York, Real and Chance, Frank the Entertainer, and Domenico!)
And if you have to ask who any of those people are, clearly you haven't been watching enough reality TV! Someday, my name could be right up there with those reality superstars!
And when people ask me how I got there, I'll say, "I did it the American way --- by sitting around on my ass and doing absolutely nothing! "
God bless America! Is this a great country or what?

The Total Hollywood Experience, or, How I Spent Two Days Backstage at the TONIGHT SHOW and found out that Tom Hanks is a Jerk!

By Barry Dutter

Everyone should get to have the “Total Hollywood Experience” at least once in their lives.
By that, I mean, you get flown to L.A., chauffeured around in a limo, mix and mingle with some of the biggest celebrities in Hollywood -- and generally get treated like you are some kind of superstar!
I had my own Total Hollywood Experience a few years back when I was asked to fly to L.A. to be on a new TV pilot. I was living in South Florida at the time, celebrating the release of my book, THE SHY GUY’S GUIIDE TO DATING.
The TV pilot was called THE HOW TO GUIDE TO LIFE -- kind of an awkward title, but a fun idea for a show. The premise was that on each episode, the host of the show would try out the advice in a self-help book to see if it worked in real life.
When I got the call to go to L.A., I was told up front that the pilot might never air, but I didn’t care. All I knew was I getting an all-expenses-paid trip to Hollywood!
I had been living in Florida for several years at that point, and I was eager to get a taste of the truly shallow and superficial life, the kind that puts Miami to shame.
My plane landed at about 3:00 in the afternoon. A limo was waiting for me to take me straight to my hotel. The next two days would be spent taping the show, but for this first night, I was on my own.
One thing I had forgotten about California is that the temperature can drop thirty degrees from day to night. November is typically a hot month in Florida. Naturally, it never occurred to me to bring a jacket or a sweater out to Cali for my three-day trip.

I checked into my hotel, and decided to take a walk up Sunset Blvd. I saw famous Hollywood nightclubs like the Whiskey A-Go-Go (where the Doors had gotten their start) and the Viper Room (where River Phoenix had died).
While on my walk, I discovered two things: 1) Nobody walks in L.A. (I swear I was the only person there who wasn’t driving a car), and 2) L.A. gets COLD at night! Once darkness fell, I soon found myself shivering as I walked up the strip. What had started out as a fun stroll turned into a rather unpleasant walk as I froze my butt off!
Lesson learned. Next time, I would remember the secret to hanging out in L.A. is to always give yourself the ability to add more layers of clothing.

I got to bed early, in order to be fresh for my TV gig. The next morning, I got showered and ready and found the limo waiting outside to take me to the studio. (A quick side note here: when a company is paying for your limo, are you supposed to tip the driver? I always assume he’s being tipped by the company paying for the limo, but then, I’m a cheap bastard so what do I know?)

I arrived on the set and met the crew of the show. An Assistnmat Director came along and took me to my dressing room. I had never had my own dressing room before.
The first thing I noticed about having your own dressing room is that it’s kind of boring if you’re in there by yourself. There was a TV, but I felt like it was a waste of time to fly 3,000 miles to L.A. to spend my day sitting around watching TV.
It occurred to me that it might be more interesting to leave the confines of my dressing room and go wandering around the studio. So I ventured out, and discovered that another TV show was filming across the hall from the one I was working on. It was THE TONIGHT SHOW WITH JAY LENO.

Among the guests scheduled for that week were P. Diddy, Tom Hanks, and Arnold Schwarzenegger.
Whenever I wasn’t needed on the set of my show that much, I would hang right outside the Green Room for the TONIGHT SHOW, wghere guests waited to go on. I got to catch the celebrities coming and going as they appeared one by one on the show.
I didn’t get to have a lot of interaction with any of them, because they were all surrounded by lots of people wherever they went, but still, it was pretty neat just to have that kind of access to huge celebrities.
After a few hours of goofing off, it was time for me to get to work on THE HOW TO GUIDE TO LIFE. The host of the show was an actress I had not heard of. I believe she was a regular on a 90s sitcom, I think it was CYBILL.
To start the show, I was to be brought out on stage to meet the host. I’ll call her Beverly. Beverly explained to the audience how I was the guy who was really shy and wrote a book to help other shy guys get out there and meet girls.
I bounded out onto the stage, saw Beverly, embraced her, and started dry-humping her just for laughs. Everyone thought it was pretty funny, There I was, the king of the shy guys, marching out there like I was cock of the walk.
Lucky thing for me Beverly had a good sense of humor. The first rule of show business is still true: always make a good entrance!
After that, Beverly introduced a timid guy who would be going out and trying out my techniques on random girls in a book store. The gimmick was that the guy would be wearing an earpiece, and Beverly would be secretly instructing him what to do and say, based on the advice on my book.
Turns out, they had pre-taped the bit with the guy at the bookstore. He had approached a couple of different girls with different results, and both girls were there in the studio that day, too. One of the girls was a pretty blonde named Kelly who really caught my eye.
I stated talking to the blonde. Turned out she was originally from Pennsylvania. I was born in New Jersey, so we both bonded over our East Coast roots.
I asked Kelly how she had gotten picked to be on the show. She said she had just gotten a call from the casting director, who was a friend of hers. I thought about all the people who live in L.A. who go on hundreds of auditions to try to get acting jobs. Seems all you have to do is have a friend who is a casting director! Nice!

Kelly told me she really wasn’t interested in being an actress, she just did the occasional job when her friend called her. I thought it was interesting to meet a beautiful blonde who lived in L.A. but had no real interest in being in show business. Kelly actually had a day job working as the Personal Assistant to Suzanne Somers, which I thought was a pretty cool gig.
Kelly told me that although her segment was not scripted, she had been told to reject the guy when he tried to pick her up at the book store. This was the first time I had ever been confronted with the notion that reality TV was not all “real.”
It made a certain kind of sense. In the taped segments, the timid guy gets rejected by Kelly, and then puts the moves on another girl, also an actress. This time, his pick-up lines work and the girl agrees to join him for a cup of coffee.
Although no actual dialogue had been written in advance, the outcomes had been predetermined. In this way, the producers were guaranteed to get a good segment for the show. The good news for me was that they were “proving” that the advice in my book really worked. If they had tried to just wing it, they might have gotten the opposite results, and that would not have been good for my sales!
I did a short interview with the host of the show. After that, I didn’t have a lot to do, so I went backstage and found Kelly. She and I spent a lot of time together on that first day.
I took Kelly over to the Green Room of THE TONIGHT SHOW, and although she was not as star struck as I was, she still thought it was pretty cool. Kelly and I seemed to be hitting it off pretty well. Maybe it was just my imagination, but it seemed to me that she actually liked me!
I asked her if she wanted to ride with me in the limo, and she said no thanks, she would take her own car and meet me at my hotel. I was kind of bummed that she didn’t want to ride with me -- what’s the fun of having a limo if you can’t have a hot babe riding with you?
That would have really made my Total Hollywood Experience complete, but I guess you can’t have everything! Kelly was a very practical girl. She knew she wasn’t planning on spending the night with me, so she chose to drive her own car, thus giving herself the freedom to leave whenever she wanted to.
Basically, she liked me, but she didn’t “like me like me!”
Kelly and I had a nice dinner, followed by a brief smooching session back at my room. I tried to get her to stay, but she politely declined. We both had to be on set early the next day, so by midnight, she was on her way home.
The next morning, the limo took me back to the studio for one more day of shooting. This was a very light day for me. They had shot all of my scenes the day before. All they needed from me was a quick pick-up shot recreating my entrance on stage.
Since I had so much free time, I figured I would spend the day making out with Kelly in my dressing room. We did stop by my dressing room briefly, but she wasn’t interested in staying long. (So much for my Hollywood fantasy!)
Instead, she and I spent most of the day hanging outside the TONIGHT SHOW green room. We saw big celebs coming and going all day long.
Jay Leno was there for a while before the show and a little while after. At any time, I could have walked over and gotten a picture taken with him. But to be honest, in a hallway where superstars like Schwarzenegger and Tom Hanks were walking by, Jay Leno really didn’t seem like that big of a deal.
Schwarzenegger seemed liked the nicest of all the superstars that we saw. His movie END OF DAYS was about to come out. As he finished taping his segment and was walking out, I wished him good luck on the movie and he said thanks. (Actually, there were about 20 other people in that hallway also wishing him luck, and like a true politician he would soon become, he graciously smiled and thanked everyone.)
The one celeb who struck me as the biggest jerk? Tom Hanks. Yes, believe it or not -- Tom Hanks Mr. Nicest Guy in Showbiz. Mr. “Modern Jimmy Stewart.”
I had always liked Hanks, but I do believe that winning back-to-back Oscars was the worst thing that ever happened to him. Once a happy-go lucky goofball, he became super-serious and self-important after his twin Oscar wins. (When is the last time he made a funny comedy?)At the time of my visit, he was in the middle of shooting CASTAWAY. He had a long scraggly beard that he had worn for the last few months of the shoot. I was going to ask him if he wanted to borrow my razor, but I thought better of it.
After Hanks finished his segment and was leaving for the day, he passed right by Kelly and I. I looked him right in the eye and said, “Goodnight, Tom.”
Now, keep in mind, Hanks didn’t know who I was. I was a guy dressed in a suit and tie, standing there with a pretty blonde, hanging right outside the TONIGHT SHOW stage. For all he knew, I could have been an NBC executive, or a special guest of the show.
So it wouldn’t have killed the guy to give me a friendly “hello.”
Instead, he looked at me like I was a piece of crap, walked right past me, and then, perhaps remembering his “nice guy” reputation, turned and spat out “Good night,” as he walked away.
My point is, it seemed like he didn’t even want to acknowledge me.
Maybe he was just in a bad mood because he had to wear that scraggly beard for three months, but still, it was not a good first encounter. Yet another Hollywood myth shattered!
Shortly after that, my workday was over and it was time for me to head back home to reality. I said goodbye to Kelly, and we exchanged email addresses. (Shortly after that, she moved back home to Pennsylvania and married a guy who was not in show business.)
My limo came and took me back to LAX. From there, I hopped on a plane and headed back to Florida. It’s an odd feeling, going from being treated like a movie star to just being a regular guy again. I totally understand why reality TV stars try so hard to cling to their fifteen minutes of fame.
When you’re in Hollywood, riding around in limos, meeting movie stars, and being treated like a king, it’s a huge comedown to have to go back to working your regular job, driving your own beat-up car, and being surrounded by regular (non-famous!) people.
It was a bit of an adjustment, that was for sure. I was working in a bar at the time. To go from having my own chauffeur to having customers order me around was not pleasant.
I think one of the reasons for the rise of reality TV is that we live in an age now where everyone feels like they deserve special treatment. The truth, of course, is that only superstars special treatment. The rest of us deserve to be treated like normal human beings.At the end of the first day, I invited Kelly to join me for dinner. Much to my delight, she said yes!
As much as I loved my Total Hollywood Experience, I have to admit that the moment that I first stepped into my hotel room in L.A., the one emotion I felt the strongest was loneliness. I was in a strange city where I didn’t know a single person. Even having my own dressing room wasn’t as cool as it sounded. I texted my friends back in Florida to brag about it, but beyond that, I couldn't see any real point to it.
Still, I wouldn’t trade my Total Hollywood Experience for anything. I will always treasure the memory of those three days. But I do see a downside to the glamorous life. Even the most amazing experience can be an empty one if you don’t have someone to share it with.
THE HOW TO GUIDE TO LIFE never did become a series, and the pilot never aired. But that was okay. The show was just the vehicle that got me out to L.A.  For me, it was more about getting my first real taste of what the glamorous life of a Hollywood celebrity is all about.

I liked what I saw. A few years later, I moved to L.A, and I never looked back. I did get to ride in a few more limos and meet a few more movie stars (and a few more blondes). But I never forgot my first time.
And I never forgot the words of Jack Lemmon, who in the 1980 movie TRIBUTE, said, “When I first got to Hollywood, it was shallow, vulgar, tacky -- everything -- that I’d always wanted!”
Speaking as someone who had a small taste of the Hollywood high life, I know exactly what he was talking about!
　
　


　
　
　

I Get Punked by Tila Tequila -- and Learn the Truth About Celebrity Sex Tapes

By Barry Dutter

What’s the best way for a D-list celebrity to get attention? How about by releasing a sex tape? But how to sell the new sex tape in a way that would attract the most attention?
How about by pretending that she didn’t want the thing released?
Seemed like a smart business move. If an actress released the tape with her blessing, it might get an initial burst of publicity and that would be it. But if she came out against the tape, she could do a slew of media appearances detailing her various legal struggles in blocking the tape’s release. She could go on talk shows and talk about how upset she was that this private tape was being released without her permission.
That would be a hell of a lot more interesting than her just going on various shows and saying, “Buy my sex tape!” (Can we even call them “tapes” any more? I mean, does anyone even own a VCR at this point?)

I had the opportunity to find out first-hand just how the whole process works when I was invited to watch a sneak preview of a new sex tape starring reality TV “star” Tila Tequila.
Tila Tequila, you may recall, came to fame by having more friends on myspace than anyone had ever had before. That led to her starring in perhaps the greatest reality show of all time, A SHOT AT LOVE. The first season of that ground-breaking show had the pint-sized cutie looking for love amidst a group of girls and guys.
The brilliance of the show was that it was the first dating show to have a bisexual protagonist. You didn’t know if Tila was going to end up with a man or a woman at the end. My fascination with A SHOT AT LOVE lasted all the way through the first season and about five minutes into the first episode of the second season, at which point I realized that the show had nothing new to say.
Most of America seemed to loose interest in Tila after that. She tried various showbiz ventures, including music, but nothing else she did seemed to catch the attention of the American public the way the first season of her TV show did.
Once you got past the novelty of the bisexual angle, there wasn’t a lot there to keep viewers engaged.
Tila has made something of a name for herself as a sex symbol, often showing up in racy pictorials in men’s magazines. So it probably seemed a natural idea for her to make a sex tape. Her first tape was a short video of her with a male partner in 2004. That one came out around the peak of her fame.
In order to drum up interest in another one, she and her people had to come up with a new angle. What they came up with was, “The first ever three-girl celebrity sex tape!” But how to sell the new sex tape in a way that would attract the most attention?
How about by pretending that she didn’t want the thing released?
Seemed like a smart business move. If she released the tape with her blessing, it might get an initial burst of publicity and that would be it. But if she came out against the tape, she could do a slew of media appearances detailing her various legal struggles in blocking the tape’s release. She could go on talk shows and talk about how upset she was that this private tape was being released without her permission.
That would be a hell of a lot more interesting than her just going on various shows and saying, “Buy my sex tape!” (Can we even call them “tapes” any more? I mean, does anyone even own a VCR at this point?)
This is where I come in. I saw an ad on Craigs List looking for people to come in and watch a few minutes of an adult film and then have their reaction filmed for possible use of the promotional web site for the film.
The ad didn’t mention who the star of the tape was. But all applicants were warned they would be seeing some hot and heavy girl-on-girl action.
Seemed like an easy gig, so I figured what the hell. The screening was to take place at a building in North Hollywood, right next door to the offices of the porn company Vivid.
Me and my fellow screeners were to meet in a restaurant/bar on the first floor called The Casting Office. From there, we would be taken, one at a time, to the screening room upstairs to watch a few minutes of the video and give our reactions. When I arrived at the restaurant, there were three or four other people (a mix of girls and guys) waiting to screen the video.
A cute twenty-something gal named Britt was our contact. Britt gave us the lowdown. She said, “Tila is really upset about this video. She doesn’t want this thing released. We can’t even let her know we’re showing this to you. We’re so worried about her finding out about it, we couldn’t even do this in the Vivid building. We had to move next door for this screening.”
Right off the bat, this story sounded shady to me.
Would any company really have to move their screening to another building just because a celebrity was angry at them? I mean, how would the celebrity even know they were holding a screening? Why couldn’t they just do it and not tell the celebrity about it?
But Britt totally played it straight. That got me thinking, “Well, I’ve heard some pretty outrageous stories about Tila Tequila, so who knows… maybe she really is crazy enough to crash the offices of the company that is releasing her video.”
(The sex tape had officially been released a few weeks earlier. The promo we were shooting was billed as a “prank” for a web site, but let’s face -- Tila’s appearance in this video could only be construed as her way of promoting her sex tape.)
One by one, my fellow screeners were led up the stairs to watch the tape. The thing I found odd was that after each person went up the stairs, we never saw them again. I assumed they being taken out a back exit so that they couldn‘t discuss what they had seen with those of us who hadn‘t watched it yet. Those of us left at the table began to wonder if the other screeners were being taken upstairs and killed one by one!
After waiting about 45 minutes, my turn came to watch the tape. I was led up to the second floor by a very effeminate man named Jonathan. He assured me that he was not going to kill me.
We got off the elevator and I was taken into an office that had been set up for the screening.
There was a small crew in the room --a director and a cameraman. They asked me to sit in a chair and told me I would be watching Tila’s DVD on a computer monitor.
I was warned that I would be seeing some hot and heavy action. I said I could handle it.
The director said there would be two cameras filming me -- the big camera behind my back and a smaller camera on the computer itself, aimed at my face. I was told to give my honest reactions as I watched the film.
The director started the DVD in the middle of the movie -- a scene where a naked Tila and two other naked girls were, uh, doing stuff that guys like to watch.
The director said he had to run out to use the bathroom, but he would be back in a few minutes.
I started watching the movie. It looked like pretty much like any other lesbian porn you’ve seen before. (I mean, how many different ways are there to show women doing it?) Tila and these two other naked chicks were all over each other.
Then the cameraman told me he had to go check on some equipment in the next room.
Now I was alone in the offfice. Just me and the three-way celebrity lesbian sex tape that Tila Tequila did not want me to see.
It was definitely a strange experience. The cameras were still filming me, so I felt obligated to say something. I was being paid, after all. So I made a few comments to myself about the action on screen, basically cheering Tila on, and encouraging her to go for it! I wanted to give the producers something they could use in their promotional ads.
Just then, a pint-sized pixie walked into the room. It was Tila Tequlia.
The first thing you notice about her is how tiny she is. Even with high heels, she looks two feet tall!
She walked right up to me, dressed in a white blouse, a long black skirt and black boots. She looked like the way a porno actress would dress if she were playing an executive.
“What are you doing?” she asked me.
Obviously I was being punked. Obviously Tila was in on the gag. Obviously they wanted some kind of reaction out of me. But how to play it?
I assumed Tila was supposed to be mad at me, but her acting was so bland, it was hard to tell what she was feeling.
I started off sheepish: “You look a lot like the girl in the video,“ I said. “It’s my video and no one is supposed to see it,“ she replied. I realized I needed to play it up more, acknowledge that I knew who she was and how shocked I was to see her. I decided to act like I was embarrassed. “You’re not supposed to be here!” I exclaimed.
“Me? What about you? Why are you here?” We went back and forth for a minute, with her giving me a hard time about watching the video, and me acting like it was no big deal. I had to wonder where this prank was going. Was she going to take her clothes off and try to drag me into an impromptu adult film?
She reached over and took the DVD out of the computer, saying she was taking it away. I pretended to be really disappointed. “Can’t I just watch a little more?” I asked. “No,” came the reply. “You’ve seen enough.”
“Well, can I get a hug then? I’m a big fan!”
Tila very reluctantly gave me a hug then took the DVD and walked out the door.
At this point, the crew came back into the room (although Tila did not). She went back into hiding in order to spring her trap on her next unsuspecting viewer.
I didn’t know if they would be able to use my footage or not. I tend to just kind of roll with things, so when Tila walked in, I didn’t really have a big reaction at first. I think they might have been looking for more of a “Oh shit, it’s Tila Tequila, I’m in big trouble now!”
But like I said, she kind of underplayed it, too. If she had stormed into the room and seemed angry, I would definitely have played it differently. Or to put it another way, if she had been a better actress, I would have stepped up my game.
As soon as my screening was over, Jonathan handed me my cash and I was on my way. When I got home, I decided to do some research about this whole sex tape. Turns out there was a lot of press out there about Tila “fighting” the release of this tape.
She gave quotes to all the gossip sites, saying things like, “My reputation and public persona will be negatively affected in a manner that cannot be reduced to a dollar amount."
She added “The amateur videotape is of poor quality, and while I am not certain of all of its contents, I do know that it is extremely embarrassing.”
On her own web site, she reluctantly did a blog about the sex tape, saying it had been made two years ago, and that the “asshole” who was releasing it was demanding “$1 million” from Tila if she wanted to buy back the tape. She added that she had spent $75,000 in legal fees fighting then release of her first sex tape, and she was not about to go through that again.
Tila added that she had avoided talking about the tape, but she finally felt the need to address all the rumors that had been circulating about it. She stressed that that she wished the tape would never be released, “because it’s not who I am, not something I would condone, nor is it one of my proudest moments, AND the fact that it’s not the woman that I am TODAY!!!!!!!!!” (All those exclamation points are hers. She’s a bit of a drama queen when she writes!)
The main thrust of her blog was that she was a serious actress now (she just did a guest stint on $#!+ MY DAD SAYS, as well as a very funny skit with Jennifer Aniston and Zach Galifinakis on FUNNY OR DIE) and was trying to put her sexpot past behind her. She stressed that “this is not something...I wish to publicize.”
Tila apparently has some very loyal fans. Her blog got four pages of responses, all of them agreeing with her that the guy releasing the tape was an asshole, and saying that Tila deserved to be treated better. Basically, they bought every word of her denial. She calls them “the Tila army” and they are good little soldiers, I’ll grant them that. They pretty much believe anything Tila tells them.
(There was one hater on Tila’s web site who commented, “It’s not even a sex tape, it’s clearly a little porn made with professional porn stars.” Another Tila fan offered her support, but did chastise Tila for not telling the whole truth, adding “the video was obviously made recently, not two years ago.”)
Clearly the administrator for Tila’s site needs to work a little harder at keeping those truth-telling haters off her web site!
Tila’s PR people made a big deal stressing how much she was against the release of this tape. Her publicist released statement saying, "Tila Nguyen is in total shock and livid right now that someone had the audacity to leak out an intimate tape made with her and her two girlfriends without her consent. That tape was not meant for the public and she has been fighting fiercely in court to not have anything released. We are currently working with her lawyer's to decide what the next steps are."
I had to give them credit -- they certainly made a convincing argument about not wanting people to see that tape. But I knew the real truth. I was there in that screening room when Tila walked in. Clearly she was in on the whole thing from the start. Even the footage of her stopping people from watching the tape would be used to promote the tape.
It was a very clever marketing strategy, I thought.
About a week later, Tila’s “prank” video appeared online. Overall, the bit did not work out that well, because Tila just didn’t seem angry enough that people were watching her tape. I got some nice exposure in the prank tape. Mostly you see me laughing; I have a hard time keeping a straight face when I’m being punked by a petite pixie!
I don’t know if our “prank” video helped sell any copies of Tila’s sex tape. Actually, I don’t know anyone who even pays for porn any more. I still think if Tila really wanted to make some good money and get a lot of attention, rather than do a sex tape, she should have done CELEBRITY REHAB liked they asked her to. Maybe if the sex tape doesn’t sell well, she might want to start drinking heavily…