I SET SAIL ON A REAL LIFE LOVE BOAT Part Two: In which I lose and then reclaim my soul

(In Part One of this epic adventure, I was chosen to be one 10 people setting sale on a reality show set on a CRUISE SHIP! Now in Part Two, you get to find out if I really did find love (as most contestants on reality dating shows do!)

Day 3 started with the ship docking in Jamaica. All of the couples would be going ashore to have their island adventures filmed.
The two guys who didn’t get picked for dates -- myself and Eric the Boxer -- were free to go ashore and do as we pleased.
Eric told me his main goal that day was to eat some Jamaican jerk chicken. Beyond that, neither he nor I had any plans for our time ashore.
While riding the shuttle bus into town, we ran into two of our shipmates: a pair of hot Czech Republic girls who were planning to spend the day at the beach.
The shuttle bus arrived at the jerk chicken restaurant so Eric and I could get out. Here’s where Eric stepped up. He told the bus driver, “There’s been a change in plans. We’re going to the beach!”

Spending the day at the beach with these two hot bikini models sounded like fun to me, so I eagerly went along for the ride.

We spent the next few hours hanging out with Lucy and Simona, the two Czech cousins. The girls were friendly. Best of all, they actually seemed to enjoy our company -- unlike most of the girls on the TV show!

While Eric and I were splashing around in the warm waters of Jamaica with the two bikini babes, the rest of the contestants were enjoying their TV island dates. One of the couples went horseback riding. One climbed Dunn’s River Falls. Danielle and Guy wound up giving each other mud massages and then showering off together.

It was there that the producers finally got what they were dying for, as the couple kissed in an outdoor shower. (They were both wearing bathing suits.) This was the only hint of romance among all the contestants on the entire three-day cruise.

Danielle later confessed that she was surprised she had kissed guy, since he wasn’t exactly her type and she was not into PDA’s on national television. But she was having so much fun on her date, she had gotten caught up in the moment and just forgotten about the cameras for a  minute.
Around 2:00 PM, we all returned to the ship. Eric and I asked the Czech girls if they wanted to join us for dinner that night and they said yes. Awesome!
Eric went back to the cabin to take a nap. I wasn’t tired., so I headed out on deck to go for a swim and hit the hot tub. (I even grabbed a spare moment to climb the rock wall!)
All in all,  it was a very fun day. I got to do all then things you would normally want to do on a  cruise, and I didn’t have to do any work on the show.
Finally around 4PM, the cast and crew of the show started arriving back on the ship. A couple of crew-members saw me chilling in the hot tub and requested that I stick around so they could get my “hero shot.”
At the beginning of every episode of LOVE FOR SAIL, they planned to show scenes of the six guys looking all “handsome and manly.” One by one, each guy was filmed doing something active: swimming,  playing basketball, whatever made them look the most “heroic.”
For my hero scene, they wanted me climing out of the pool. I sucked in my stomach and held my breath as best I could. Ultimately, I think they were happier with a shot of me lounging in a chair by the pool. Compared to some of these younger guys in tip-top shape, I just didn’t look as impressive coming out of the pool.
After we finished our “hero shots,” the producers thought it would be funny if they showed Eric and I looking sad and moping, as if that was how we spent our day while everyone else was out on their Jamaica dates. One of the producers, a  very flamboyant man, thought it would be hilarious if Eric and I were showering together under the large outdoor shower by the pool. Eric and I both nixed that idea. It may have been funny to him, but it sounded really lame to us, and it in no way reflected how we actually spent our day, splashing around in the ocean with those two hot Czech girls.

The producers asked if we would be willing to lean against the ship’s railing and look contemplative. I knew they were trying to create a fake version of how we spent our day, but we agreed to go along with it because at least this version was much less humiliating than the “two guys showering together” version.
After that, it was time for more “confessional” footage of us guys talking about the girls. One by one, we were brought in front of a camera and asked to talk about how we felt about each girl. It was here that the producers really encouraged us to let it all hang out.
They were particularly interested in Eric and I trashing the girls, since they didn’t pick us.
I have to admit, at that point, I really didn’t care that we didn’t get picked for dates. We had just had an awesome day with the two Czech girls. It was true that none of the girls on the show wanted us -- so what? Who cared? At that point, we had found other girls we liked better.
But that didn’t fit the script of the show. The show was meant to be a fantasy from the woman’s point of view. It was four women picking the four guys they like best, and rejecting the two guys they didn’t like. If the two rejected guys went off and meet other hot girls and had a great time, that didn’t really fit the theme of the show, because then there were no “losers.”
The producers had noticed that the two blonde girls on the show had sort of formed their own little clique, and they decided to try to work this angle to get a rise out of me.
While being filmed for my interview, I was asked if I thought the blondes were too cliquish. I said yes. It did seem to me that they had broken away from the group to the exclusion of anyone else. I was asked if either of the two blondes had asked me a single question about myself.
I had to admit that neither of the two blondes had asked me any questions -- at least, none that I could recall.
They asked me if I thought the short blonde, Jen was “like the popular girl in high school who never grew up.” That thought had not occurred to me, but I could tell they wanted to stick a label on Jen and they were counting on me to do it. Like a mindless zombie, I repeated what they had just said: “I think Jen is like the popular girl in high school who never grew up.”
Then they asked me if I thought Jen was a bitch. I thought that was way too harsh. I really didn’t want to call anyone a bitch on national televisions. Just because a girl doesn’t want to date me, that doesn’t mean I think she's a bitch.
I muttered under my breath, “I guess she does have a little bit of a bitchy side…” But I really didn’t say it with any conviction. It wasn’t the strong condemnation they were looking for. I was hoping that they wouldn’t use it.
After I finished giving my assessment of all four girls, Eric had the idea that we should approach the producers and ask them if we could bring the Czech girls as our dates to the final dinner.
The producers pretended to consider our request, but really they hated it. It totally clashed with what they had in mind. Seemingly right on the spot, they concocted a very different plan for Eric and I to hatch our “revenge” on the girls who had “shunned” us.
Reality check time: I can’t stress enough that Eric and I had no interest at this point in attacking the four girls on the show. All we were thinking of at that point was spending more time with our two Czech bikini babes.
The executive producer sat us down and we had a little talk. He was so devious, he was like Machiavelli. He started off by telling us we could take the two Czech girls out to dinner, but he felt we still needed to confront the four girls on the show before that. He explained to us how the four girls on the show were so shallow and their standards so impossibly high that they would never really date any of the guys on the show. He told us how the girls were a huge disappointment to everyone, how they were so boring and so not fun, they were ruining the show.
He told us, “The audience is going to hate these girls. Now here’s your chance to come in and set them straight. Tell them what they’re doing wrong with their love lives. Really let them have it. Pull no punches. Tell them how you really feel. The audience will love it. You’ll be heroes!”
It occurred to me that the actions he was describing were more the types of things that a villain would do, not a hero.
Over the course of the cruise, I had kind of gotten used to the idea of me being the “Bad Guy,” the guy who trashes the girls behind their backs.
But this would be different. This would be trashing them to their faces.
I suddenly became very uncomfortable with the idea of being the “Villain.” But Eric was embracing it. He relished the idea to get some major screen time and really tell these girls how it felt to be ignored and shot down.
The producers were suddenly fired up. They felt they had a pretty boring show overall, but here was their chance to make things explode! But it had to happen now! The girls were busy getting ready for their big formal dinner date. This was the last chance for Eric and I to burst into their suite and really let them have it.
A camera crew was summoned. Eric and I were rushed into an elevator and up to the girls’ suite. The time for the final confrontation had arrived!
I felt very uncomfortable with the whole situation. As we knocked on their door, I really did not want to be there. This was the first time on the whole cruise that the producers had asked me to do something that was really against my grain.  At that moment, the girls were busy getting all dolled up in their most glamorous gowns. They were putting the finishing touches on their hair and make-up when Eric and I barged in.

Amy, the biracial girl, answered the door. She had no clue what was going on, at that point. She said that the other girls were not ready yet but that they would be out shortly.
One of the crew suggested that Eric should take Amy over to the couch and speak his mind. I knew that I was not needed for that conversation, so I chose to sit back and wait for the other girls to come out.
I was greatly relieved that I did not have to go first. I  was more than happy to stay far in the background while Eric did his thing. I have a natural aversion to confrontation of any sort, and I certainly don’t like getting into contrived confrontations where I’m supposed to rag on some girls for not picking me for a date.
The reality as, I didn’t feel that the girls deserved to be ragged on, any more than I would want them ragging on me. When you got right down to it, it really came down to the girls not being attracted to me or not feeling any chemistry with me. I’m supposed to rag on them for that?
All I could think of was that the girls were having a relaxing time, getting ready for one last date, and Eric and I had been sent in there to essentially ruin their night before it even started.
I wasn’t sure I could do that. At the same time, the producers were paying me to be there, and I did feel some obligation to do as I was told. The question was, could I give them the in-your-face confrontation they were pushing for?
Eric started off critiquing Amy, telling her how he thought she was a typical stuck-up L.A. girl.
Then Jen came out and walked toward me. Her first thought was, why weren’t Eric and I getting our tuxes on for the formal dinner?
I explained to Jen that Eric and I would not be attending the final dinner. She shot back, “I’m not okay with this. We all started this together and we’ll finish it together.”
Freeze frame for a second here. This was the girl I had spent the past three days saying bad things about. I really thought she hated me. Now here she was, defending me. I felt like the biggest jerk of all time.
She was ready to go to the producers and demand that Eric and I be allowed to attend the final dinner. I tried to explain to Jen that really, we were okay with not going to the dinner. I mean, really, why would two single guys want to tag along on a date with four couples any way? Especially when we had plans to meet up with our bikini models anyway?
I explained to Jen that Eric and I were cool with not going to the final dinner, because we had lost the competition. Jen fired back, “This wasn’t a competition!”

I thought that was a very odd statement coming from Jen, who had previously been on BIG BROTHER -- another reality competition show. I mean, I know we weren’t competing for a million dollars here, but there were still winners and losers.
Eric and I had lost. And now it was our turn to play “sore losers.”
Danielle came out of her bedroom and joined us. All the girls looked very beautiful in their glittery gowns. They really wanted to shine for their final night on the cruise. The two blondes and myself walked over and joined Eric and Amy on the couch.

Eric started ripping into the blondes, saying they had been  rude to him, they had ignored him, they had treated him like a second-class citizen. He was being honest with how he felt.
He was also embracing his role as the “villain” of the show. Between this outburst and his disrobing in the hot tub, he figured he would have the two most buzzed-about scenes in the episode.
The mood in the room got ugly real quick. The blondes did not appreciate Eric tearing into them like that. The girls felt this was not the time or place to have this discussion.
Danielle and Jen both excused themselves. They said they did not deal with drama well, and in the interests of maintaining their dignity, they would not continue this conversation. Both girls got up and went back to their bedroom.
At that point, Eric was done speaking. He said goodbye to Amy, and he headed out the door. As soon as Eric was gone, Danielle and Jen came back out to talk to me.

I knew I couldn’t do it the way Eric did it. Brutal honestly is not my forte, especially when it come to women. I really don’t enjoy hurting people’s feelings, and I know with women, in particular, you have to very careful about what you say. 

I was still thinking I could try to give the producers some of what they wanted -- maybe just a kinder, gentler version. I felt like a sniper who had been sent to assassinate the girls. It was as if I had a gun hidden in my pocket and they never saw it coming!

I thought to myself, “Great. Now the producers are expecting me to bring on Round Two.” I felt like an assassin who had a gun hidden under his jacket and was planning to come out shooting. And the girls never saw it coming!

Jen told me she was having a mini-panic attack. She said she had had similar reaction when she was on Big Brother, and that she just didn’t deal well with being ambushed like that.

I started off by giving the girls a little good-natured ribbing about them not picking me. All of the girls said they would have picked me if they had been given the chance to have one more date, which is one of things that is very nice to say, but kind of hard to prove.
Then I asked the girls why they had come on the cruise. 
The fourth girl, Rachel, had finished getting ready and joined the conversation. She said that she had been through a  break-up recently and thought she might be open to dating again, but over the course of the cruise, she had found she just wasn’t ready yet.
I asked the girls if there was anything they were looking for in man that they didn’t see in our group.
What I wanted to say was, “Women generally are attracted to really successful and powerful men and there weren’t any super-successful men in our group, but if there had been maybe you would have been more excited about the guys on the ship.”
But I couldn’t say that. After what Eric had said to the girls, I didn’t want to say anything else to upset them. I just didn’t feel like they deserved it.
The best I could do was to ask Jen how she could say she enjoys the single life if she hadn’t had a date in six months, and to ask Danielle if she would have been happier if one of the guys had been a tall baseball player.
In every case, the girls offered very logical, very well thought out explanations for why they were there and what they were looking for. Danielle argued that she wouldn’t automatically fall for a guy just because he was tall and played baseball. “He might be an ass,” she noted.
I spoke to the four girls for about 30 minutes. All along the producers were waiting for me to drop the bomb on them, the way Eric had. They slowly realized that Eric and I are two very different people, and that I was not capable of delivering the type of left hook that Eric the boxer had.
After suffering through 30 minutes of me chatting with the girls in my non-confrontational manner, the producers realized this was going nowhere. One of them came over and whispered to me, “You’re just interviewing the girls. Tell them how you really feel!”
How did I really feel at that moment? I felt like I had a great time hanging out with the Czech bikini models on the beach in Jamaica, and I wasn’t going to stay mad at these TV girls for not being into me.

If the producers had asked me to go in there and do a sarcastic“Top Ten Reasons Why You Should Have Picked Me,” I would have been happy to do that.
I mean, they had picked me to be on the show because they thought I was a funny guy in my audition. To ask me to be on a cruise because you like my personality and then to try to get me to be this bitter, angry guy on the cruise -- that just wasn’t my style.
I guess I’m really not the best person for this type of reality show, because I don’t want to fight with anyone.
Instead of ripping into the girls and giving them hell for not picking me, I ended the segment by wishing them all good luck, giving each one of them a hug, and then I was on my way.
Did I give the producers what they wanted? No. Not even close.  Did I make great TV? Nope. But I like to think of that as the moment that I regained my soul. I had been pushed to the brink of evil -- and I had passed the test.
(I like to think I am basically a decent person who sometimes is tempted to go over to the dark side but at the end of the day, I really don’t want to hurt anyone.)
I had walked into that suite as a hit man hired to do four character assassinations. But I walked out as a man who kept his conscience clean.

I had failed to pull the trigger, and I felt pretty good about that.
I went back to my cabin and found Eric there, getting ready to go out. I wondered if Eric felt bad about they way things had gone down between him and the girls. He told me his only regret was that the producers had not allowed him to change from his beach-wear into his nicer clothes before the big confrontation."If I had my suit on,I would have come across as being more authoritative," he said.
Eric and I grabbed a bite to eat, as the TV crew filmed the final dinner date with the four couples.
The Czech bikini models did not join us for dinner, unfortunately. But we did run into them later at a dance party out on the deck. I also caught up with Nicole, the cute girl from Pennsylvania I had been trying to hook up with the night before.
It was kind of a weird dynamic with me bouncing back and forth between the two Czech girls and the Nicolel. I kind of sensed that nothing was going to happen with the Czech girls. Even though they were prettier, I decided to focus most of my energy on the Pennsylvania girl.
At around midnight, Eric and I headed into the disco where we met up with the rest of the gang. I was worried there might be some tension between Eric and the girls, but Eric made his peace with the girls and they chose to forgive him.
I joined my cast-mates in the disco and found a lot of affection coming my way. Jen  told me they all felt bad that I had missed the final dinner with the gang, and that they had done a toast in my honor.
I couldn’t believe she was being so nice to me. This was the girl I had been sent to rip apart, and here she was giving a toast in my honor!
I really felt like a scumbag because I knew I had said some mean things about her on the days prior before my redemption. I knew I would have to take her aside at some point and apologize to her later and explain that I had been coerced into saying some things that I really didn't mean.

At one point, we all headed to the dance floor for a group dance scene. This was the most fun I had on the whole trip. It was just the ten of us, strutting our stuff on the dance floor.
The girls seemed to be going out of their way to be extra nice to me since they hadn’t picked me for the last date. Eric and I were delighted when the Czech girls showed up and joined us on the dance floor.
The Czech girls were very sweet, but you could kind of tell they weren’t looking to hook up with anyone. Then Nicole the Pennsylvania girl showed up. I really felt that she represented my best possible chance of hooking up on the ship on my final night.
At one point, I called Nicole over to the bar and bought her a drink. As were talking, a cameraman rushed over to capture our conversation on film. A production assistant ran over with a  release form for Nicole to sign so they could put her on the show.

As soon as she saw the camera, Nicole froze up. She agreed to sign the release form, but she confessed she was shocked to find out I been wearing a hidden microphone the whole time we had been talking. (All of the cast-members were miked for any scene where we would be talking on the show,)
Nicole acted like she had been betrayed, like I had tricked her into being on the show. I found her reaction bizarre. I had told her ahead of time that we were being filmed in the disco that night.
I guess she was upset because didn’t realize that the whole time she was talking to me that night, there was most likely someone on the production end listening to our conversation and deciding when to send the cameraman over. I apologized to Nicole and explained that I had not been trying to trick her or set her up. She stayed and hung out with me for the rest of the night, but she never really forgave me for what she perceived as a betrayal.
For the next few hours, me and all the other cast-members of the show hung out, drank heavily, and danced, along with the Czech girls and Nicole.
The night wound down, and the club started emptying out. As the bartender gave last call and the music stopped, I asked Nicole if I could walk her back to her cabin. (Nicole was probably the only girl on the whole ship who had her own cabin, so I figured we could have, er, ahem, some "private time."!)

Nicole and I strolled along the deck, stopping and looked out at the waves. The full moon shone bright over the water. This would normally be the part where the guy kisses the girl before heading back to her cabin.

Instead, Nicole thanked me for a good night and said she was going back to her cabin alone. I wasn’t sure what was happening. I mean, why would she hang out with me all night if she didn’t want to at least have a little smooching session at the end of the night?
Nicole explained that she was still mad about me having “tricked” her into being on TV. I thought she was being ridiculous, I hadn’t tricked her at all, I had been very honest about everything since we met.
But whatever. If she didn’t want to make out with me, I wasn’t going to force the issue. I said good night and went to bed.
It's funny. When you watch a reality dating show, all you see are couples hooking up. But there was no love to be found on the final night of this "love boat."
The next morning, three of the four girls on the show got up early and flew home.
The only girl who was left behind was Danielle, the tall blonde who I had found to be the prettiest girl on the show. I knew I would have to take a moment to apologize to her when I had a chance.

One by one, the remaining cast members and I filmed our exit interviews from the ship. The host of the show was busting my chips about me being a “dating expert” who struck out on the romance cruise.
I explained that you can’t force someone to like you. I didn’t have strong chemistry with the girls on the show, but I had met several other girls on the cruise and had a great time. In  retrospect, I think that was exactly how a “dating expert” should leave a show -- being realistic about his prospects and confident in his abilities at meeting women, whether they are on the show or not.
As we disembarked in Grand Cayman, me and the other guys met a couple of the girls who were boarding to film the next episode. Of course, we all fell in love with the next group of girls, convinced that we had been on the wrong episode, that we would have had much better luck with this next group instead of the ones that we had sailed with.
We saw the next group of guys waiting to board, as well.
All of them seemed to be in their mid-twenties. All of them had tanned skin and dark hair and muscular physiques. There was not a 47-year-old to be found among them.
We had to wonder if attempts were being made to sex up the show after our sexless episode. Were they going for younger guys, trouble-makers? Were they looking for girls who were more flirtatious?That certainly seemed to be the case.
All of the male cast-members on our episode, along with Danielle, would be flying home together. Over the course of the day, I tried making small-talk with Danielle, but she seemed to want nothing to do with me.
As we headed for the airport, Dave the bodybuilder admitted to Danielle that he had said some things about the girls on the show that he regretted. I took advantage of this opportunity to apologize to Danielle once again.
Danielle said she understood it was a reality show and that people can be manipulated. (She herself had been manipulated into kissing Guy, so she understood how the game was played.)
Still, one could hardly blame Danielle for basically avoiding Dave and I for the rest of the day. I mean, essentially, I had told her, “I will be nice to you to your face but I trash-talked you behind your back.” What girl is going to want to hang out with a guy who admits that?

Whenever someone acts like a total asshole on reality TV, they always blame the editing. I would say that my episode of  LOVE FOR SAIL was definitely a case where they could have chosen to portray me as a total jerk or they could have portrayed me as a sweet, funny guy.
It all depended on how they edited it.
But no matter how the show was edited, I knew the truth about what really happened -- how some manipulative TV producers tried to tempt me to become something I’m not, but in the end, I stayed true to myself and emerged as a decent, if flawed guy.
I hadn’t expected the cruise to be such a revelatory experience for me. It was a voyage of highs and lows, but overall, I’m glad I went. I actually kept in touch with most of the guys on the show and formed some enduring friendships. (Not so much with the girls!)
Finally I had lived my dream of getting paid to party on a TV reality show. It wasn’t anything like what I thought it would be -- I was expecting intense hot tub make-out sessions, but that didn't happen, and I didn’t get to use any of the condoms I had brought.
Because of the heavy-handed manipulation on the part of the producers, I came away feeling like I would never want to do a show like that again. But honestly, if the opportunity comes up again, I probably would.

EPILOGUE: About six months later I got the word that Lifetime had chosen not to air my episode of LOVE FOR SAIL. I think ultimately they decided that an episode of a reality dating show with no fights and no sex was just too boring. I think with some decent editing, they could have put together a semi-entertaining 44-minute show, but in the long run, it would not have given reality TV fans the drama they were looking for. The network actually canceled the entire series after airing only 2 episodes in prime-time. I guess a three-day cruise just isn't enough time for anyone to fall in love. Maybe they should have given us a full week!

I SET SAIL ON A REAL-LIFE LOVE BOAT -- AND ALMOST BECOME A REALITY SHOW VILLAIN!

Regular readers of this blog are familiar with my lifelong dream to get cast on a reality show where I get paid to hang out for a few days (or weeks) in a huge mansion with lots of hot chicks.
In October, 2011, I had the chance to live out a  version of this dream when I was cast on a new series for Lifetime called LOVE FOR SAIL.
The premise of the show was that four girls and six guys go on a cruise together in an attempt to find love.
I first heard about the show the same way I hear about all my gigs: through an ad on Craigs List. The ad mentioned that the show was looking for men and women in their 30s and 40s to go on a TV cruise. This seemed perfect for me. I mean, you don’t generally see 47-year-old guys like me on a TV dating show, so I figured when a chance like this comes along, you jump on it.
I auditioned at a casting agency in a fancy high-rise  in L.A. While I was in the reception area, a stunning blonde came in and sat down next to me. Normally in this situation, I try to strike up a conversation with the hottie sitting across from me.
But this girl never stopped texting long enough for me to talk to her.
I was called in to the casting office and asked to talk a little about myself. I mentioned that I had written a book on dating. The casting people loved that.  When you are casting a dating show, you are always looking for a  hook. Having a  so-called dating “expert” on your dating show is usually too good of a lure for most casting agents to resist.
I may not have made a ton of money off my dating book, but I have to say that book has opened more doors for me than just about anything else I’ve ever done in my life.
The casting ladies seemed to like my sense of humor. I was asked if I believed in "love at first sight." I replied, "Well, there is this blonde in the lobby that I think I just fell in love with!"
At the conclusion of the audition, I was asked to take my shirt off. (They don’t let you on a dating cruise show without seeing how you look in a swimsuit.)
At the time, I had been eating a lot of pizza and pasta, so I had a few extra pounds on me.
I apologized for my gut, and promised I would hit the gym before the show started filming.
A few days later I got the call saying that I had been booked on the show. My ship would set sail in about a week.
For the next seven days, I hit the gym extra hard and went on an all-salad diet. One of the producers later noted how much better I looked from the audition till the show, so I felt my efforts had been worth it.
Based on the fact that the guys on the love cruise would outnumber the girls, I knew there was a  chance I might not find romance on the ship. But even if I didn’t make a love connection, I would still get a free cruise.I hadn’t had a real vacation in years, so I probably would have done this show for free if they had asked me to. Fortunately, they didn’t ask me to. In fact, they offered to pay me $500 plus a per diem.
My initial impression was that all the contestants on the show would be in the 30 to 50 age group, which I was happy about. I didn’t want to be competing against a bunch of muscle-bound twenty-something dudes who walk around calling everybody “bro.”

Shortly after I landed in Miami, I met a few of the other guys I would be up against and they were in their twenties and thirties. So it seemed my assumption about everybody being around my age was incorrect.
The first person I met was a male nurse from New Orleans named Guy.
Next I met Eric, a very tall boxer from L.A. who also an aspiring actor and had a side business working  as a male stripper for bachelorette parties.
Guy, Eric and myself were taken by shuttle to a hotel in Miami. It was a rainy Saturday night in South Beach. Guy had never partied in South Beach before, and he was very excited about the prospect of hitting some of those famous South Beach clubs.
I had to break the bad news to him that no one goes out in Miami when it rains.
The next morning, I met up with Guy and Eric in the lobby, along with the other three members of our group: Dave, a bodybuilder and motivational speaker; Seth, an up-and-coming magician from Las Vegas; and Jay, another male nurse and voice actor.
The five guys that I was “competing” against turned out to be a likable bunch. We all had a lot in common. Most of us were in showbiz, in some capacity or another. Only one of the participants, Guy,  had never been on TV before.
As we boarded the ship, the filming began. Each of the six male contestants was greeted by the ship's cruise directors, a sexy Carmen Elektra lookalike named Carmen and a buff Australian dude named Bucko. Dave the bodybuilder and Bucko hit it off so well, many jokes were flying about their "bromance" being the most solid relationship to form on the trip.
As the cruise began, the male contestants were kept separate from the females. We were not even allowed to see any of them before we set sail. The males were booked two to a cabin. The girls got to occupy a three-bedroom suite at the top of the ship, with a big sundeck and their own private hot tub.
The guys on the show had a very different experience than the girls. When we weren’t being filmed for the show (which was most of the time,) we were free to roam around, swim in the pool, eat as much as we wanted, hit the casino, and mingle with some of the 2,000 other passengers onboard.
The girls were sequestered for the majority of the trip. They were basically on lock-down the whole time. The producers were very protective of them. It was almost as if they were prisoners in their suite, in a way.
Even though I don’t enjoy sleeping in cramped little ship cabins, I have to say the guys probably had a better time overall than the girls, because we had so much freedom. We were essentially taking a free cruise, while the girls were basically prisoners on a TV show.
The premise of the show was that each girl would pick one guy per day to go on a date with over the three days. This meant that each day, four of the guys would get picked and two would not. The two guys who didn’t get picked on any given day were basically free to do whatever they wanted that day.
I wound up being a lot older than most of the girls on the show, and I didn’t get picked for a lot of dates. This meant that I really didn’t have to work very much.
That was fine with me. I’ve been on a lot of TV shows where I actually had to work the whole time. Here was a chance to be on a show where I could do nothing but play!

My fellow contestants and I were determined to make the most of their free time on the ship.
Guy turned out to be something of a rebel. Whenever the producers would tell us, “You guys have to sit in the lounge and wait there till you’re needed,“ Guy would always want to go off and explore the ship. One time when we were supposed to be on standby, Guy suggested that we run off to the casino.
Usually when I work on a show, I like to make myself as available as possible to the producers. But this show was a 24-hour a day commitment, and we had a lot of down-time -- much more than the producers thought we would have. Oftentimes they would ask us to stay put for hours on end when it turned out they didn’t really need us.
So I was willing to tag along with Guy and hit the casino. The producers started to get a little mad at the male contestants  for constantly wandering off, mostly because it was a big ship and they had no way of tracking us down.
As the cruise went on, they gradually gave us more freedom and tried to be a little more accurate about when they would actually need us for the show. 
Shortly after boarding the ship, we found out that LOVE FOR SAIL would be airing on the Lifetime Network.Since we were going to be on “the network for women,” I decided I would present myself as a sincere guy who was genuinely looking to find love. I wanted the women who watched the show at home to think of me as a "good catch."
I didn't really expect to find love on a three-day cruise, but I figured I could play “sensitive” for the cameras and come out looking like a hero to the legions of Lifetime viewers.
On the first night of the cruise, there was a “mixer” where we got to meet the girls. There were two cute blondes, an older brunette from the East Coast, and a half-black, half-white girl with a big bushy head of curly hair.
Our initial encounter with the girls lasted only about twenty minutes. The four girls were waiting in a bar, where the guys entered one by one, and tried to engage them all in conversations. Because the girls outnumbered the guys, I would occasionally find myself in a situation where I wasn’t talking to anyone. I quickly forced my way into other people’s conversations. I couldn’t stand the thought of being on national TV, with my friends and family watching me, and them saying, “You’re on a dating show and you’re not talking to any girls!”

So I became a much more aggressive version of my real self. I didn’t really feel I was competing with the other guys. Mostly I just didn’t want to look like a schmuck who goes on TV and can’t get any girls to talk to him.

The girl who I found the prettiest was a tall blonde named Danielle. I know that most tall girls prefer to date a guy who is taller than she is. I was a few inches shorter than Danielle, so I figured we might as well get this out in the open right off the bat. I asked her, “How tall are the guys you usually date?“ She told me that most of the guys she dated were athletes, usually baseball players, and yes, they were taller than her.
That pretty much told me all I needed to know -- I would not be getting any dates from Danielle. (In fact, only two of the guys in our group were taller than Danielle.)
The other blonde girl on the show, Jen, was pint-sized, and I prefer not to date girls that are short, so even though she was cute, she was not a girl I would typically go for.
I hit it off best with was Rachel, the dark-haired girl from the East Coast. I think Rachel was Jewish, which as significant because I have always gotten along well with East Coast Jewish girls.

I also had a good rapport with the mixed race girl, Amy. She had a good sense of humor.
The way the show was set up, the girls would be doing all the choosing; the guys had no say about who they would be going out with. I figured Rachel would choose me, just because we had that East Coast connection. That seemed like a no-brainer. But she was not my preferred choice, because I’ve dated plenty of dark-haired Jewish girls from the East Coast, but I haven’t dated a  lot of tall, athletic blondes like Danielle.
After the mixer, the girls left the bar, and the guys were asked what we thought about them. This was the funniest part of the whole cruise, because in a group of six guys, not one of us could remember the names of any of the girls we had just spent the past 20 minutes talking to!
I’m really bad with names, but I didn’t think the other five guys would be, too. The producers were trying to get us to talk about the girls, but all we could do was refer to them as “the tall blonde,” “the short blonde,” etc.
Finally someone from the production crew came in and gave us their names, which made it a lot easier!
From there, we were led into a private dining room in a restaurant where the ten of us would share our first meal. The tall blonde, Danielle, was on my left, and the East Coast brunette, Rachel, was on my right.
I figured I would try to talk to both of them equally. It seemed like Rachel and I were destined to be dating on the show, but I still wasn’t giving up on the California blonde just yet.
During the course of the meal, Danielle told me she loved playing outdoor sports like tennis and golf. She asked if I played anything like that, and I had to truthfully answer “no.”
I love biking and hiking, but I don’t participate in any competitive outdoor sports.
Over on my right, Rachel seemed to be really hitting it off with Seth, the Vegas magician. This left me out in the cold. Danielle and I didn’t seem to have much in common, and Rachel was locked into a conversation with Seth, so I was kind of floundering.
At this point, the producers started to get bored with everyone in our group. They tried to direct us to have more fun, to be more spontaneous, to act like we’re trying to actually hook up, instead of just having boring conversations.
My cabin-mate, Eric, suggested that we go around the room, with each one of us saying a few words about themselves.
Jen revealed that she had gotten out of a long-term relationship a year ago, and hadn’t been on a date in six months.
This had me and the other guys at the table scratching our heads. Why would a girl who hasn’t dated in six months go on a reality dating show?
She clearly wasn’t looking to date anyone.
We later found out that Amy, the mixed race girl had been a victim of rape, and had issues with trusting men. Again, we had to wonder why she had been cast on this show.
Had none of this come up during her audition? I had to wonder if all the girls came across as fun-loving floozies during their auditions, because all of them seemed like they really weren’t open to finding a partner. Did the girls bluff their way through their auditions just to get a free cruise?
All four girls seemed very sincere, maybe a little cautious, a little mellow -- in short, the exact opposite of what you want on a reality TV show.
When you cast a reality dating show, you want drama queens. You want horny girls who want to fool around with different guys. You want girls who are willing to sleep with a lot of guys and get in cat-fights with lots of girls.
The girls on this show were nothing like that. They were nice, sweet, normal girls. These girls were not looking to “hook up” with any guys. They weren’t looking to get in cat fights with each other. They weren’t even looking to make out with any guys (or girls, for that matter).
Usually on a reality show, you expect to see at least one raging drunk -- male or female -- who gets out of control, but there was nothing like that here.
Because of the lack of trouble-makers that had been cast, the producers started thinking of ways they could create some drama for the show. The easiest way for them to do this was to try to get the members of the cast to turn against each other.
They figured out an easy angle -- take the guys who didn’t get picked for dates on any given day and ask them to trash-talk the girls. The guys were more than willing to do so.
On the first day, I was picked for a date with Amy. The guys who didn’t get picked that day were Eric the Boxer, and the bodybuilding motivational speaker, Dave. Eric had lots of issues with L.A. girls being so shallow and money-hungry. He kept going on about L.A. girls so much that the producers had to keep reminding him that this show would be airing across the whole country, and that people in Des Moines didn’t want to keep hearing about how shallow L.A. girls were.
Dave the bodybuilder figured that the girls were just judging him based on his muscles, and weren’t taking the time to really get to know him as a person.
I think it’s safe to say that everybody on the show, myself included, came with their own particular set of baggage. (In my case, I have always had bad luck with blondes, and that streak would certainly continue on this show!)
One contestant, Jay, said he was looking forward to the competition, but he felt he had no chance of winning. I asked him why. He said it was because he was Latino, and minorities traditionally do not fare well on TV dating shows. (All the winners on all editions of THE BACHELOR and THE BACHELORETTE have been white.) I thought Jay was wrong about this show. I figured a minority had just as good a chance of winning as anybody else.
For our first full day of the cruise, my fellow contestants and myself were scheduled to go ashore for dates on  a private island owned by the cruise company. But the weather was bad, so our excursion was canceled. Instead, all the dates were held aboard the ship. (The contestants on the show were forbidden from referring to the vessel as a “boat.”)

Amy and I were sent to the ship’s bowling alley for our date and instructed to bowl a few frames. I was a much better bowler than Amy, but I figured I would look like a  jerk if I took the game seriously.
So I tried having fun with it -- bowling backwards, with my eyes closed, etc. Bowling on a cruise ship is actually much harder than bowling on dry land, as the ship is constantly rocking back and forth. I did manage to nail one strike, though. Boo-ya!
At one point, the producers suggested we make a friendly wager over who would bowl the best frame. Amy asked, “But what are we betting?” I replied, “The loser has to give the winner a kiss.” I figured that was exactly what the producers were looking for -- not necessarily a big sex scene, but at the very least, a small smooch.
But Amy was not about to kiss a guy on the first date on national TV. So we wagered a drink instead. (Not a real wager, by the way -- the show picked up our drink tab.)
After our three-frame game was over, Amy and I were told to walk along the deck off the ship, with cameras following our every move.
The whole date lasted about an hour. Over all, we both had a good time, and I was pretty sure Amy would pick me for another date, though I still had my sights set on Danielle.
The next day was another day at sea. I didn’t get picked for any dates on day two. I had to talk to the cameras for about five minutes about how I felt being left out. (This was where I got my first real taste of the producers trying to coax me to saying bad things about the girls, but I was not looking to play their game. Not yet anyway!)
Other than that few minutes of camera time, I basically had the whole day free.
I went and hit the casino for a while, but I kept winning and losing the same money. I was never really ahead or behind. After a while, it seemed kind of pointless so I moved on.
The producers began to feel sorry for the guys who were not scheduled for any dates, so they scheduled a massage for me and the other dateless guy, Jay the male nurse. Getting a free massage while everybody else was working was awesome. I have to say, that on this show, the people who didn’t get picked for dates often had more fun than the people who did!
That night, all of the guys were invited up to a  party in the girls’ suite. It was here that I became aware of just how hard the producers work to try to manipulate the people on the show, to try to create interesting situations, and above all, create good TV.
At one point, the six guys and the four girls were all sitting around in the suite’s living room. We were going around the room, with each one of us taking a turn to show off our unique talent. One of the girls could make her eyes go all googly. One of the guys did a duck call. I can make a noise like a train whistle with my hands.
The producers were watching all of this on their monitors and getting bored out of their minds.
One of the producers came out and yelled at us. “Come on, you guys,” he railed. “This is like a fourth grade milk and cookie party. You should, be talking about sex. You should be discussing your favorite positions, and the craziest places you’ve ever had sex. This is supposed to be a dating cruise. You should be getting wild. Try to have fun.”
We didn’t think we were being boring. We thought we were just having normal conversation, considering that none of the girls were interested in hooking up with any of the guys. The producers started suggesting that we spread out, break up into smaller groups. They were clinging to the idea that if our interactions were more intimate, there would be the greater possibility of some romance happening, or at the very least, a  random hook-up.
The two blonde girls mostly ignored me all night. They really had nothing to say to me. Any attempts on my part to initiate conversation with them went nowhere.
They seemed to have picked the two guys they liked, and they hung with them all night. Danielle and Jay the male nurse were sitting on the edge of the hot tub, dangling their feet in the water. Jen was chatting with Guy. The East Coast girl, Rachel, was spending lot of time with the magician, Seth. Eric the boxer, who is black, was told by the producers to engage the mixed-race girl, Amy, in the living room.

That left me with no one to talk to. Once again, all I could think of was my friends watching at home going, “Dude, you’re at a party in a suite in a cruise ship  and you’re not talking to anyone!”
I noticed that the bodybuilder guy, Dave, was also sitting alone out on the deck. He had no one to talk to either. I knew that the producers were desperate for someone, anyone, to strip down and jump into the hot tub. I was determined that it not be me.
I tried to convince Dave to be the one to get the ball rolling. I figured as a bodybuilder, he would be the most comfortable jumping into the hot tub in his underwear. Dave was resistant to the idea. He figured it was too predictable for the bodybuilder to be the first one in.
But he and I both realized this party (and thus, this show) was pretty boring, and somebody had to do something to liven it up.
Dave finally decided to take one for the team. He stripped down to his boxers and jumped in the hot tub. The couple sitting on the edge of the hot tub was startled by this, but they did not follow him in.
A few minutes later, Eric the boxer, seeing a chance to get some screen time, stripped down to his thong, and he jumped in, too. Both Eric and Dave then tried to convince some of the girls to jump in. But all the girls said no.
We reminded the girls that they could change into bikinis -- they didn’t have to be in their underwear or get naked. Still no takers.
All the girls said things like, “My mother is going to watch this show. My grandmother is going to watch this show. And I have my (non-showbiz) career to think about.”
(I later found out that one of the girls, Jen, had previously been a contestant on Big Brother, and had been fired from her job as a result of whatever she did on that show. So she had a good excuse, at least. But the other three girls, not so much!)
I can’t imagine how disappointed the producers were when they realized they were shooting a reality dating show where not only were the girls not looking to smooch with anyone, they wouldn’t even get in a hot tub!
You have to wonder what kind of girl goes on a reality show on a cruise show and is not willing to be seen in a bikini. Hadn’t these girls ever watched -- well, every reality show ever? Clearly they needed to cast much sluttier girls on future episodes. (My cabin-mate, Eric, kept insisting that someone from the casting department was going to get fired for the piss-poor job they did in picking the girls on this show.)
Finally, Amy relented, getting in the hot tub -- with her clothes on.
It was not what anyone was looking for, but she was the only girl even willing to come near the hot tub.
At this point, I decided to strip down to my boxers and jump in. I wasn’t going in if there were just guys in the tub, but having one girl in there made it okay for me.
Eric the boxer had some real issues with Amy, and he was calling her out, saying she was a typical L.A. girl, no fun at all. Dave was doing a hilarious commentary. 
He pointed at Eric and said, “And that is why this man is still single!”

It soon became apparent that none of the other girls were going to be joining us in the hot tub. It was this weird sausage party with three guys and one girl. And Amy, the one girl brave enough to actually jump into the tub, didn’t really seem that interested in any of us.
I’ve seen enough episodes of THE REAL WORLD to know what was supposed to happen -- a hot smooching session with one guy and one girl. But it just wasn’t happening for me or anyone else.
It soon became apparent to the producers that they had a reality show with no drama and no hook-ups.
One by one, everybody started getting out of the hot tub. They all headed back to the main room in the suite. Within a minutes, I was left alone in the tub. I slowly got out, not even sure if a camera was even on me at that point. (I think all the cameras had moved inside to where all the party people were!)
It was a surreal moment for me, standing alone on the deck of a cruise ship, putting my clothes back on, with no cameras anywhere, and seriously questioning why I was even there!
Ultimately I decided that no matter what happened, I was getting a free cruise out of it, so I might as well try to make the best of it.

At the end of the night, all the girls were told to pick a guy for their third and final date. I figured I would get picked by either Amy, who I had gone bowling with, or Rachel, the East Coast Jewish girl. (I thought I had a pretty solid connection with Rachel. I later spoke to several of the other guys who also told me they also thought they had a strong connection with Rachel, too. I think I may have found Rachel’s super-power -- the ability to make every guy think he had a shot with her.)
There was also the long-shot chance that one of the two blondes might throw me a bone and decide to invite me out on a date on the last full day of the cruise.
One by one, the girls made their choices. Rachel picked the bodybuilder who she had gone out with the day before. Amy picked Jay the male nurse.
Danielle, my personal favorite, picked Guy, the only tall guy that she liked in our group, who she had dated earlier that day.
Finally it was Jen’s turn. Jen had three guys to choose from, and she seemingly wasn't interested in any of them. Jen decided to make a game out of it. She asked all three guys to answer the same three questions about her: questions like how many tattoos did she have, how old she was, etc. All three guys got all her questions wrong.
Finally the producers told Jen to skip the games and just pick a guy.
She never even looked in my direction. She said she thought it would be fun to date the magician, Seth. She noted, “He could do magic tricks for me all day.”
I have to admit, I was kind of pissed. It seemed to me that neither Jen nor Danielle had ever considered  dating me for a  second. I’ve always had bad luck with blondes, but this was ridiculous. I mean, these weren’t even “real” dates, these were just TV dates. It wasn’t like they actually had to kiss me or even hold my hand.
I will admit, I was feeling pretty steamed. Couldn’t they at least have pretended to be thinking about picking me -- just for a  minute? Out of the three days of filming, I only got picked for one date by one of the four girls.
I was almost completely shut out of the dating pool on the show. But there were still 2,000 other passengers I could choose from.
That night, I went out to the night club on the ship and met a cute brunette, Nicole, 25, who was on vacation with her family. We seemed to hit it off pretty well. She had her own cabin, so out of all the people on the ship, it seemed like Nicole was the girl I had the best chance of hooking up with.

When the club closed, I walked her back to her cabin. But she did not invite me in or even give me a kiss. But I was not discouraged. After all, there was still one more night left to the cruise!
The next day was one of the strangest and most surreal days of my life. It was so bizarre that it will require a separate entry to describe it in full. Stay tuned for the thrilling conclusion of Romance Cruise -- and find out if I find true love -- or if I cave in to my darker instincts and become a nasty reality show villain!

COMING SOON: THE THRILLING CONCLUSION of LOVE FOR SAIL!

WAYNE BRADY MAKES ME A BETTER DEAL THAN  HOWIE MANDEL

By Barry Dutter


There is one game show I swore that I would never go on:  LET’S MAKE A DEAL. My reasoning as this: they make you wear stupid costumes on that show, and that's degrading. Plus, most of the contestants don’t even win money -- they win dumb prizes that they don’t even need.

I would much rather do a show like JEOPARDY, where you can wear a sport coat and you get treated in a classy manner.
Then in October, 2011, I met an actor who told me he had just gone on LET’S MAKE A DEAL (or LMAD, as we in the industry call it) and won a $6,000 hot tub. As soon as the tub was delivered to his door, he put it up for sake on Craigs List.
After he told me that, I started reconsidering my policy toward LMAD. It occurred to me that I was looking at the show in the wrong way. I was looking at it as this embarrassing show designed to humiliate people and get them to act like fools in order to win prizes. But I came to see it as a chance to win a potentially valuable prize that I could then sell for some fast cash.
I hadn’t been on any game shows for a while, and I figured, “Why not? This could be an easy way for me to get back in the game.”
I decided I would try out for LMAD the first chance I got. As fate would have it, I wound up not having to even audition for the show. Shortly after I met that actor, I got a call out of the blue from a casting agent from Freemantle, a company that produces a variety of game shows.
I had tried out for a show for Fremantle that I didn’t get picked for. They asked if I would be interested in being a contestant on  LMAD instead.
Funny thing: if the casting associate had asked me that question a few weeks prior, I would have said, “No, thanks, it’s not my kind of show.”
But since I had just met the guy with the $6,000 hot tub, I had changed my tune. I eagerly accepted the casting agent’s offer to be on the show.
Like most people, I had always assumed that the contestants on LMAD were randomly selected by the host as he strolls through the audience. Turns out, there is nothing random about it. Just about all of the contestants are preselected by a casting agency, to ensure that they are of proper game show caliber (i.e, that will perform well on TV.)
The casting agent asked what costume I was planning to wear. I said I was thinking of going with the doctor outfit I had worn for the past couple of Halloweens.
He urged me to reconsider, saying that costume was kind of boring. He noted that a white lab coat would not play well on TV.
I told him I would try to think of something better. Now I had a hit of a quandary. My doctor costume had just been rejected, and I didn't feel like spending any money on another costume. But I did have another option. My brother-in-law had dressed as an 80’s rocker for Halloween. I asked if I could borrow his costume, and he said yes.
The rocker costume consisted of a big black wig (with a  red headband), a black t-shirt with a skull on it, and a pair of  leopard-skin tights. I tried it on but I wasn't crazy about it.
I started thinking back to my doctor outfit. Then I had a brainstorm: I could combine the two costumes. I put on the doctor outfit and the wig from the rocker costume.
I would call myself “The Rock and Roll Doctor.” Voila! I now had a colorful costume, one that would be comfortable but not boring.
The night before the show, I went to work at my bartending job at a local restaurant. I was chatting with a coworker, a cute 23-year-old blonde named Colleen.
I told Colleen what I planned to do when I got on the show. I said, “If Wayne Brady offers me a choice of $1,000 or what’s behind the curtain, I’m gonna take the cash.”
But then Colleen said something that changed my mind. She said, “How would you feel if you took the cash and then found out there was a new car behind the curtain?”
I had to admit, she had made a great point. I hadn’t had much luck in game shows over the years, so I had been thinking fast cash was the way to go.
But what if there was a new car behind the curtain? The show seems to give away at least one new car on every episode. The odds of me winning that car were just as good as anyone else’s. It wasn’t that I needed a new car -- all I was thinking about was the 25 or 30 grand I could get if I sold it.
I told Colleen, “You’re right. I guess I will take the curtain.”
There was always the chance I could get a junk prize -- a “Zonk,” as they call them on the show.
But I soon learned that even if you win a Zonk -- like an old pair of boots or a toy car instead of a real car -- you don’t actually take the junky prize home. They actually give you $100 cash instead.
So really, even if you take the curtain and get the Zonk, it’s still not that much of a  risk.
You’re still going home with money. I feel like you’re foolish if you don’t go for the curtain. Most of the prizes on the show are pretty good and can be resold for big bucks. They only have one or two stinkers per episode. So why not take then chance that maybe you’ll win something great?
Basically I was employing the same philosophy I had used on DEAL OR NO DEAL: if you’re going to be a contestant on the show, you might as well play the game the way it was meant to be played.
On the morning of the taping, I found about half the people in the contestant pool were dressed in colorful costumes and the other half just wore regular street clothes. One girl was dressed as a giant Rubik’s Cube. Basically she was in a huge cardboard box that had been decorated to look like a Rubik’s Cube. Her arms stuck out through holes that had been cut in the sides of the box.
All I could think of was how uncomfortable she was going to be, sitting through four hours of TV tapings in that get-up.
Before the taping began, all the audience members had to meet with some casting associates who would make the final decision about who would be on the show.
I made sure I had a lot of energy for this meeting. There were about 250 people in the audience for LMAD. All of them thought they had a chance of being on the show. The reality was, most of the actual contestants were sent by Freemantle. Only a very small percentage of people were picked to be on the show without having been sent by the casting agency.
We had some time to kill before we started taping. They took all 250 of us, and had us wait in a long line of benches in the parking lot. I wound up chatting with some of the other audience-members. One girl who caught my eye was dressed in a cute firefighter’s outfit. It was such an eye-catching costume, I figured the producers had to pick her as a contestant.
Sure enough, it turned out that she had been sent by the same casting agency that sent me. She was an actress who was just doing this show to make some extra cash.
Her name was Carmen. We started talking about what we would do if we got on the show. She told me, “If I get offered cash or the curtain, I’m taking the cash.”
I told her that was a bad idea. I said she had very little to lose by taking the curtain instead of the cash. But she insisted that she needed fast money, and that was the choice she was going to make.
(The ironic part is that when you win money on game shows, you actually have to wait about six months before you get it, so the idea of making “fast cash” really doesn’t come into play here.)
Secure in her decision, Carmen wandered off.  An old man next to me started talking to me. He had shown up wearing the unofficial California uniform: a t-shirt, shorts, and flip-flops. The casting people had told all audience-members that you had to be wearing a costume if you wanted to get on the show. Based on the old man's outfit, there was no way he was getting on.
The old man went into the costume shop on site and picked up some items to improve his chances. He  bought a sheriff’s star and a policeman’s hat.
Those two items, combined with his white t-shirt, gray shorts, and flip-flops, were supposed to constitute some sort of policeman’s costume.
It was one of the worst “costumes” I had ever seen. I knew that the old man didn’t have a chance in hell of getting on the show, not with that get-up.
But I didn’t want to be too negative so I simply wished him good luck. After an hour or so of waiting outside, they finally brought us into the studio.
The audience-wranglers had been told ahead of time which audience-members had been sent by the casting office. Those contestants were to be strategically placed in aisle seats toward the front of the stage, where they could easily jump up and interact with the host.
One of the audience-wranglers led me to a seat in the front row.I looked behind me and saw all the other hopeful contestants in their colorful costumes. About 8 rows back sat the old man in the horrible cop costume. He waved to me, as if we were old friends. I gave a half-hearted wave back. I didn’t want this deadbeat tagging along and trying to steal my thunder.
The old man called over one of the ushers and told them that I was his friend, and we needed to sit together. The old man had figured I was going to be a contestant, and that if he sat next to me, that would somehow increase his odds of getting on the show.
The usher took one look at the old man’s pathetic costume and said, “You’re fine where you are.”
I was glad to hear that. I wanted Wayne Brady to pick me for the show, and I didn’t want to be rejected based on some random hanger-on that was sitting next to me.
I looked up at the old man and shrugged my shoulders, as if to say, “I’d love to help you, but… sorry! It’s out of my hands!”
That was the last I heard of him. I wound up sitting next to a couple of cute girls to my left and a young couple from New York behind me. The audience was about 45% black, 45% Latino, and maybe 10% white.
If they were looking for one of the contestants to be a white male who had taken more than two seconds to put his costume together, I figured I had a good shot.
The show began. Wayne Brady came out and said he was ready to bring the first three contestants up on stage at once. He called on two girls… and me. One of the girls was the Carmen, the cute girl in the fire-fighter outfit. Another was a pretty blonde dressed like Fay Wray (complete with a giant King Kong hand grabbing her around her waist.)
But Wayne seemed most intrigued by my bizarre costume. 
He asked if I was supposed to be a Mad Doctor. I explained that I was a Rock and Roll Doctor.
He asked, "What does a Rock and Roll Doctor do?"
I replied, "He writes prescriptions. Like this one: Take two prizes, no zonks, and call me in the morning.”
He smiled and said, “If you're the Rock and Roll Doctor, prove it.”
He had the DJ crank up a song, and stuck a microphone in my face.
I had to admit, I was totally unprepared for this. I mean, if he had given me a few minutes warning, I probably could have written a few lines of a song. But I am the worst when it comes to ad-libbing a song on the spot in front of an audience.
And there I was, standing before a guy who worked for several years on the improv comedy show, “WHOSE LINE IS IT ANYWAY? I’m sure if you asked Wayne Brady to ad lib a song about a Rock and Roll Doctor, he could come up with one on the spot (and sing it very well, too.)
But I’m not Wayne Brady.
As the DJ cranked up his song, I was trying to listen to the music, to see if he was playing a popular song or just some generic “rock“ music. I couldn’t think of anything clever, so I just sang the words “Rock and Roll Doctor” over and over again. The music was loud, the audience was clapping along, and I was screaming out the words as loud as I could.
The audience seemed to enjoy it. Wayne Brady, not so much. I’m not sure exactly what he had expected, but hey, he’s the improv guy, not me!
After about 30 seconds, Wayne cued the DJ to stop the song. He dubbed me “David Lee Not.”
It was not my best performance, but I like to think that what I lacked in singing talent and actual lyrics I made up for with enthusiasm! (My song wound up being cut out of the finished show, thank goodness!)
Ironically, that whole incident was the very thing I had hoped to avoid when I said I didn’t want to be on LMAD. And yet, there I was, dressed up in a crazy costume, dancing around like a monkey for the amusement of the crowd. Wayne Brady was like the ringmaster and I was his trained seal.
But here’s the crazy part -- I actually found myself enjoying it. On most game shows, you don’t get much of a chance to perform or be funny. Here I was given the opportunity to do both.
I mean, if you’re going to do a show like LMAD, you might as well have fun with it.
It occurred to me that if they ever made a movie of my life as a professional game show contestant, a good opening scene would be to show me, dressed in my crazy doctor outfit, singing frantically to the crowd, as a disapproving Wayne Brady looks on.
And then there would be a voice-over where I say, “I always said I would never do a show where I would be embarrassed or made to look foolish. But let me explain how I got here…”
With my singing display over, we were ready to start the game. Wayne an envelope to me and each of the two girls.
Wayne said that one of the envelopes contained $700, and that whoever had the $700 envelope would get to play first. It turned out that I had it.
Wayne asked me if I wanted to keep the $700 or go for what was behind the curtain. My original plan had been to play it safe and take the cash. But with my new attitude, I had no choice but to reject the cash.
A pretty blonde spokesmodel named Tiffany was waiting to show me my prize.
I told Wayne, "Tiffany is just what the doctor ordered. I know she's got something better for me behind the curtain."
The curtain opened and my prize stood revealed: an oven range worth $2200 and some additional cooking items worth another $300.
I don’t really cook any food, ever, other than the occasional hamburger, so I really had no use for a  new stove. But all the contestants had been instructed to act excited when we won, so I smile and applauded  like I had just won the lottery.
I felt like I had made a good deal, because even if I sold the prizes for only $1,000, that was still more than I would have made if I had taken the cash. (Contestants have to pay taxes on all the prizes they win, even cash prizes.)
After I won my prize, it was time for the two girls to play. The first one up was Carmen, the cute girl in the fire-fighter outfit.
Wayne offered her $500 cash -- or she could take what was behind the curtain. She said she would take the cash. Wayne asked, “Are you sure?” She said yes, she really wanted the money.

Wayne said, “Okay, let’s see what you would have won. The curtain opened to reveal a $6,000 motorcycle. The girl had a very strange reaction. She said, “I’m glad I took the cash.” Wayne asked her to explain, and she said, “I don’t ride motorcycles.”
Everyone in the audience thought she was an idiot. The producers had told us before the show that we could sell our prizes if we didn’t want them. This girl had just thrown away a brand-new $6,000 motorcycle.
She completely missed the point that it didn’t matter if she rode motorcycles or not. All that mattered was that she won a valuable prize that she could sell when she got it.
She was so happy with her decisions, the producers actually had to reshoot her reaction to when the curtain opened and revealed the motorcycle. They told here that she needed to look more disappointed when she saw the prize she passed on.
Then it was time for the blonde girl -- "Fay Wray" to choose whether she wanted to keep her cash or go for a new prize.
Fay Wray took the cash and avoided a zonk. That was smart game-play. You figured one of the three prizes had to be a zonk, and sure enough, it was the last one. As the show went on, there was still a chance that I might be able to trade in my oven for the “big deal of the day.” It all depended on if the other winning players chose to keep their prizes or not.
They started with the guy who won the top prize that day -- a new car. He said he was happy with his car and wanted to keep it. There were still three other people ahead of me in terms of the value of their prizes. The next contestant was a girl who had won a day at spa valued at several thousand dollars. Everyone I talked to in the crowd agreed that overall, this was the worst prize of the day.
She wound up trading in her spa package for a chance to choose between three curtains. One curtain contained a zonk, one had a new car, and the third had the prize she actually won -- a trip to Jamaica worth a few grand. She was clearly much happier with the Jamaica than she would have been with her spa package.
With that, the show was over. There would be no chance for me to trade in my prize. I was stuck with the oven.
After the show, all the winning contestants were taken to a room to fill out some paperwork. I tried to talk to the fire-fighter girl to see how she felt about her decision. (And let’s face it, I wanted to say, “I told you so!”)
But there was no convincing her. She felt she had made the right decision,
And at the end of then day, you really can’t tell another person how to play a game. She played it the way she wanted to play it.
My experience on LMAD was a positive one, over all. It turned out to be my third-biggest game show win ever.(Sure enough, I did sell the oven for an even $1,000. Thank you, Craigs List!)
The show reaffirmed my belief that if you are going to play a game, you’ve got to play it right. You’ve got to go all in. Embrace the rules of the game and just go for it.
If you are just going to show up on a game show and play it safe, then you are going to a) make for some bad TV, and b) go home with a lot less than everyone else.  Producers aren’t looking for contestants who play it safe. Think how boring LMAD would be if every contestant took the cash and nobody ever took what was behind the curtain.
Sometimes, in a game show, as in life, you have to take what’s behind the curtain. Sure, you don’t know what’s there -- it could be something amazing or it could be a zonk.
But isn’t that what makes life interesting?
From the year 2000 to 2011, I appeared on over a dozen game shows. Out of a possible half a million dollars I won about $13,000 in cash and prizes. A pretty poor track record over all.
But I got some amazing stories and I had some unforgettable experiences.
I still think I’m destined to win a large sum of money on a TV game show someday. But if it never happens, I’ll still have a great time trying!

HOW EVIL AM I? DIRECTOR ELI ROTH PUTS ME TO THE TEST

By Barry Dutter

If you were put in a situation where you were told by an authority figure to commit an act of pure evil, how would you respond? Would you defy authority and disregard your orders -- or would you meekly do as you were told?
That was the position I found myself in when I appeared  on a TV show called HOW EVIL ARE YOU which aired on the Discovery Channel in October of 2011.
Only I didn’t know I was appearing on a TV show at the time. I had seen an ad on Craigs List, looking for people to come in and get paid to take a memory test. Sounded like an easy way to make some fast cash, so I figured “Why not?”
On the day of the test, I drove to an office building in L.A. I met with an old doctor in a white lab coat with a white beard. There was another guy in the room who had also shown up to take the test. This guy was about 45 years old, and heavyset. We’ll call him “Stanley.”
The doctor explained that he was conducting a test on the effects of punishment and learning. He said, “Our studies have shown that people learn better when punishment is administered, so we will be administering electric shocks to one of you when you get a wrong answer. But the shocks are not dangerous.”
Right off the bat, I sensed that something was wrong here. The doctor kept using the word “punishment” over and over, which seemed a very strange word for a  doctor to use. I know that when training dogs, it has been found that the “Reward” method is far more effective than the “Punishment” method.
When you smack a dog for doing something wrong, the dog does not understand why he is being smacked. But when you reward him for doing good, the dog learns that good behavior brings rewards.
It seemed to me that if even dogs do not learn anything from punishment, than surely humans have evolved to the point where punishment does not work on us, either.
So right off the bat, something seemed a little off about this whole thing.
Stanley and I were given consent form to fill out, saying that we would be working with electric shocks, and that either one of us could stop the experiment at any time. That made me feel good, because if I was getting zapped with electricity, I wanted to have the ability to walk away.
The doctor said, “One of you will be administering the electric shocks to the other. The person administering the shocks will be the Teacher. The person receiving the shocks will be the Learner.”
He had us pick pieces of paper out of his hand to determine who would be the zapper and who would be the zappee. I got to pick first. It was with much relief that I saw that my paper said “Teacher” on it.
Stanley picked second, and of course, his paper said “Learner”
Or so I thought. I didn’t know it at the time, but the doctor was an actor, and so was Stanley. Odds are, both pieces of paper probably said “Teacher” on them, but I never saw the other one. The whole thing was a set-up designed to see how many “shocks” I was willing to give another man.
Turns out there is a famous study called “The Milgram Experiment” that was conducted back in the 1960s. (You can find it on Youtube.) Dr. Milgram was a man who was trying to understand how the Nazis, many of whom were loyal husbands and good family men, could have committed the atrocities that they were ordered to do by their superiors.
Milgram wondered if ordinary people would commit acts of pure evil if they were ordered to by an authority figure. So he performed an experiment where ordinary people were told to inflict pain on innocent participants via electric shock.
His findings? A whopping 80% of the people followed through the experiment all the way to the end. Most of the Milgram’s test subjects walked out of the lab shaken, thinking they had just killed another human being with electric shock.
In 2011, film director Eli “Hostel” Roth was asked by the Discovery Channel to host a Halloween special about the nature of evil.
As part of the one-hour program, Roth decided to recreate the Milgram Experiment. He figured enough time had passed that most people would not have heard of it. Roth was correct. I think it’s safe to say that most of the people who walked into his trap had no idea they were replaying an experiment from 50 years before.
I have to admit, I was clueless, as well. I had no idea that there were hidden cameras in the doctor’s office, and that a famous film director and actor (he played the Jew Bear in INGLORIOUS BASTARDS)  was watching my every move.
Stanley and I were brought in to a small office where we were shown the electronic device that the “Learner’ would be hooked up to. Stanley was strapped in to a chair and hooked up to the machine.
It occurred to me that the right thing to do here would be for me to offer to switch places with Stanley.  He was older than I, and seemed in frailer health. But I really didn’t like the idea of me being the one to receive the electric shocks. I reasoned, “Well, he lost the drawing. I won, fair and square. Fate has decreed that he be the one to get shocked. So I will let Fate call the shots on this one!”
Just before we got started, Stanley threw out another curveball. He said, “Doctor, before we begin the experiment, I should tell you that I have a heart condition. Am I going to have any problems here?”
The doctor pondered that for a  second and then said, “No. You’re not in any danger.”
Stanley looked relieved and said okay.
I was brought in to the next room. The door was closed, so I could not see Stanley. But he was still close enough that I could hear him through the door.
The Doctor led me to a table housing the controls for the zapping machine, which looked like something out of a 1960s sci-fi movie. (I believe they used the same machine from the original experiment of the 1960s.)
The Doctor instructed me in how to use the machine. I was to read a series of questions to the patient in the next room. Every time he got an answer wrong, I was to flick a switch which would render a mild shock to him. The shocks would increase in voltage with every wrong answer.
There were about 25 switches in the row, with the last one being labeled “DANGER - EXTREMELY HIGH VOLTAGE.”
As we began the experiment, there were two thoughts prominent in my head: 1) The doctor had said that the shocks were mild enough that they posed no real danger to the patient, despite his heart condition; and 2) Either one of us could quit at any time.
The test began. Stanley got the first few answers right. Then he got his first wrong answer. Following the orders that I had been given, I flicked the first switch.
Stanley let out a mild “Ow!” indicating that he felt a slight shock. The test continued. Stanley got several more answers wrong. I kept flicking switches, like a good little Nazi.
With each flick I switched, Stanley’s reactions were getting louder and more pronounced. Clearly he was experiencing more and more discomfort. I have to say, it bothered me that I was able to hit those switches so callously, all in defense of “just doing my job.“
Still, I kept thinking of what the doctor had said about the patient not being in any real danger. If a doctor said the guy would be okay, I was willing to believe him.
The experiment continued. The patient started screaming in pain as I hit the switches. At this point, I started to think this whole thing was fake, because the patient’s reactions were so over the top. Usually grown  men don’t scream when they are in pain. They might curse, but they don’t scream  And this guy was  screaming like a banshee.
I still didn’t know I was on TV, but I started to think maybe I was taking part in a fake experiment to test the moral character of the people hitting the switches.
And then we reached the critical point of the experiment. After one particularly strong “shock,” the patient cried out, “Experimenter, that’s all. Get me out of here. I told you I had heart trouble. My heart’s starting to bother me. I refuse to go on!”
This all I needed to hear. I felt really bad for the guy at that moment. I knew I was getting paid the same either way if I stopped the experiment, so I turned to the doctor and said I would not continue.
The doctor looked very stern and said “It is essential that the experiment continue.”
There was something in the way he delivered that line that sounded very scripted to me. It sounded more like a line from a movie than something a real doctor would say.
I figured, “Ok, this is just a test to see if I will stop. Here’s my chance to pass the test.”
I said to the doctor, “The consent form did say that we could leave at any time.”
The doctor got a disapproving look on his face and said, “I will have to consult with my colleagues.” With that, he got up and left the room. I figured, “Ok, here’s where he goes and gets another fake doctor to try to tell me how important it is that I finish the experiment.”
But he didn’t get another fake doctor. Instead, he got a real psychologist, Dr. Jerry Burger, who is an expert in administering the Migram Experiment. Dr. Burger revealed to me that the whole thing was a set-up, and that I was being filmed for TV. The shock machine was a fake. The “doctor” who oversaw the experiment revealed that he was an actor, and “Stanley” stepped out of the little room and showed that he was an actor, as well.
 That man was followed by Eli Roth, who I was most familiar with from his appearances on the Howard Stern Show.
Eli was impressed that I had stopped the test, and noted that only one other person that day had done the same.
He filled me in all about the Milgram Experiment, and then  he interviewed me on camera about why I made the choices that I made. I explained that it mostly came down to the fact that I had signed a consent form saying I could quit whenever I wanted.
I think I may have found a flaw in this version of the Milgram Experiment, and it was that consent form. I think if you really want to get accurate results to this experiment, you should tell the participants that they do not get paid unless they complete the experiment. You might end up with some very different results.
I know in my case, the fact that I was being paid regardless of the outcome made my decision a lot easier. If you promised to take away my pay unless I flipped all the switches, I just might have just fried that poor bastard!
After we finished shooting, I got to shoot the breeze with Eli Roth for a few minutes. I found him to be a very likable guy. We bonded over our mutual love of Howard Stern.
Then it was time for me to leave, so they could bring in the next victim.
All in all, I was pleased with my results in the experiment. At first, I was appalled at myself at how easily I could administer electric shocks to another human being.
But then I felt redeemed when I responded to a fellow human being‘s cry for help and stopped the experiment before anyone “died.”
Even though I began to suspect about halfway through that this was some kind of prank or social experiment, I still didn’t know for sure. My reaction was genuine. I guess this shows that I would have made a poor Nazi. I would have followed orders up to a point, but I would have drawn the line at actually hurting innocent people.
That was a most unexpected discovery for me to make on the Discovery Channel.